It’s the clueless men making ‘Housewives’ so ‘Desperate’
Why are the housewives of Wisteria Lane so desperate?
Some would say they bring it on themselves with their meddling and manipulative behavior. But if you ask us, the source of despondency on “Desperate Housewives” is the men. A more clueless and selfish batch of suburbanites you will never meet.
Let us review:
Carlos Solis: Ever seen Carlos (Ricardo Antonio Chavira) smile? No, he’s a scowling, humorless bully.
When his luscious wife, Gabrielle (Eva Longoria), complains that she’s uncomfortable attending a business function with him because Carlos’ boss is always squeezing her derriere, does Carlos get outraged and confront the lecherous old goat? Instead, he commands her to don her clingiest gown and prepare for an evening of turning the other cheek. Dr. Phil would have a field day with this guy.
Carlos’ one positive spousal trait is that he gives good gifts – luxury items, including a sports car and big jewelry. But there’s always a price tag attached; in fact, his presents could more accurately be described as bribes.
Paul Young: He’s the guy you least want in your block association. Gathering over coffee, the housewives all agree that the one word they would use to describe him is “malignant.”
Whatever dark secrets he’s hiding behind those scary eyes – and beneath his empty swimming pool – were enough to drive his wife, Mary Alice (Brenda Strong), to commit suicide, the ultimate act of desperation.
Tom Scavo: How about Lynette’s husband? First, Tom (Doug Savant) saddles her with four hyperactive, spawn-of-Satan kids who run her absolutely ragged. Then he has the nerve to suggest she home-school them. Why not handcuff one of them to each of her limbs while you’re at it?
Still, Lynette (Felicity Huffman) is grateful when he comes home from one of his constant business trips, because it means she may finally get a night away from the little terrors. She excitedly suggests they attend a party: “There will be liquor. And hors d’oeuvres. And grown-ups without children. And silverware. Remember silverware?”
He insists they stay home.
But Tom’s worst sin is that he keeps pushing Lynette for sex – unprotected sex. The last thing she needs is another mini-demon to torment her.
Karl Mayer: We haven’t seen much of Susan’s ex (Richard Burgi). All we know is that Karl left his wife (Teri Hatcher) and child for his very young secretary. Named Brandi.
But wait. Don’t string him up until you’ve heard his explanation. “The heart wants what it wants,” he told his devastated wife. OK, now you can string him up.
And while Karl is severely delinquent on his child-support payments, he just closed on a vacation home in the mountains for himself – and Brandi. On second thought, shoot him, then string him up.
Mike Delfino: The newest addition to the block, Mike (James Denton) has a definite advantage: The hunky plumber is the only bachelor in the group. Consequently he’s not showing the countless flaws that domesticity immediately exposes in a man.
Maybe Susan could live with the fact that this guy isn’t who he’s pretending to be. Or that he appears to be hiding a criminal record. But how can she overlook the fact that his head keeps getting turned by Edie (Nicollette Sheridan), the blond man-eater three doors down?
Rex Van De Kamp: Finally, there’s Bree’s husband (Steven Culp). What’s his problem? Bree (Marcia Cross) keeps a spotless house, cooks fantastic gourmet meals, and looks great in lingerie.
Yet he wants to divorce her. Why? Because she’s a little controlling? We’ve got news for you, bub: Most of us are bossed around by our wives and all we get out of it is KFC. What we wouldn’t give for braised lamb shank once in a while.
Seriously, Rex, you married a woman who is Martha Stewart in the kitchen and Gisele Bundchen in the bedroom. Quit sniveling, man!