Even felons look down on columnists

If I don’t sound like my chipper ol’ self today, it’s because I have suffered a karate chop to my self-esteem.

Knowing I’m not alone in my suffering is the only thing that pulled me out of bed and got me down to work today.

Just like me, the entire Spokane area’s image is under attack.

My setback occurred last Friday when I innocently tried to set up a jailhouse chat with the county’s most famous felon – Eddie Ray Hall.

Released from prison in October, Hall was hauled to the Spokane County Jail last week on a drug and stolen property beef.

A recent Spokesman-Review story reported that during a strip search (I’ll bet people aren’t lining up for that job), Hall supposedly retrieved a suspicious-looking bag from his nether regions and – like a Vegas magician – ate it.

I wanted to ask the 40-year-old if everything came out all right. Plus I wanted to compliment him on his managing to stay out of jail for nearly an entire month, which, for Eddie Ray, may be a personal best.

So I called this friendly sergeant I know at the jail and asked him to be my go-between. He said he had a good rapport with Eddie Ray, which makes sense since they’ve probably spent more time under the same roof than most married couples.

Later, Sarge left the most depressing voice-mail message I’ve ever received:

Eddie Ray Hall rejected my visitation request. Sarge said the inmate thought seeing me “might harm his image.”

I’ve been called a lot names. I know my profession ranks a few notches below a bordello mattress scrubber.

But Eddie Ray has a dozen adult felony convictions. He’s been inside more Spokane Valley homes than Welcome Wagon representatives. He was shot during a break-in. He once escaped from the courthouse. Taxpayers have forked over a million and change for cell time, surgeries and public defenders.

I know people are judged by the company they keep. But what does this make me, Osama Dug Laden?

•The results are in for the first survey of U.S. city flags and get ready to be ashamed.

Spokane’s symbol placed 111th out of 150 flags.

That’s a D-minus, says Ted Kaye of the North American Vexillological Association.

Vexillology, according to Kaye’s press release, is the study of flags. I suspect a more modern translation might be: “geeks in desperate need of a less-nerdy hobby.”

Washington, D.C.’s flag took first place. Pocatello was dead last.

(Check out the all flags online at www.nava.org/city_survey.htm.)

I didn’t even know Spokane had its own flag. But there’s no denying how wretched it is.

The flag looks like a bad business card. It’s a circle filled with stick figures set on a field of white. It has two Expo ’74-colored stripes, chartreuse and aqua.

Based on the only waving example I could find, we should have upstaged Pocatello for last. Our sad piece of cloth can be found atop a flagpole just north of City Hall on the west side of Post.

The official Spokane flag is tattered and discolored with gray grime.

It would be funny if the U.S. flag waving next to it wasn’t also disgustingly dirty.

Some All-America city we are.

•Attention dog thieves! The recent outbreak of Chihuahua rustling must stop.

This canine crime wave could make the entire region a laughingstock.

Eight Chihuahua puppies were snatched from a Spokane pet shop last week. Another apparent Chihuahua nabbing was thwarted two days later.

That time a woman (Cruella DeVille?) was arrested walking out of a Spokane Valley pet store. She apparently had one of the tiny mutts hidden in her pocket, prompting the question:

“Is that a Chihuahua in your pocket or did you just shave your marmot?”

I’m fairly certain of one thing. As big a career criminal as Eddie Ray Hall might be, the term “Chihuahua-napper” has never appeared on his rap sheet.