‘Shrek 2’ raises bar for summer fun

“Shrek 2” opens today, and I’m taking bets that it’s the first movie of the summer to both make money and impress critics. Money has been no problem for the season’s first two blockbusters. “Van Helsing” has made something like $84 million in its first 10 days of release, and “Troy” made a little more than half that amount in just its first weekend.

But money means squat when it comes to judging quality. For every rave that “Troy” has received, it’s been dissed, with the critics targeting everything from bad acting (Brad Pitt as Achilles) to the skull-crunching action sequences that might be more at home in a Bruce Lee film.

My favorite comedy line passing for genuine criticism: Steve Rhodes of Steve Rhodes’ Internet Reviews, who wrote, “Buff, blonde and beautiful, Pitt turns the Trojan War into something like the model contest in ‘Zoolander.’ “

“Zoolander”? Can’t you just see Pitt/Achilles saying, “Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?”

So, just in time, here comes “Shrek 2,” the sequel to the 2001 film that since its release has made more than $267 million. While some of us may laugh at all the unintentional humor of costume dramas, most of us welcome the kind of laughs offered up in “Shrek,” which is written sharply enough to blunt a Ginsu blade and yet filled with enough emotion to tenderize a baby’s back side.

Adapted fairly liberally from the book by William Steig, “Shrek” looks on paper just like the kind of jerry-built exercises that Hollywood specializes in making: It credits no less than nine writers.

Nine writers? Hey, it took only one guy to write “Hamlet.”

“Shrek,” though, gets more laughs. Example: Pinocchio tells the guards who have come to arrest him, “I’m not a puppet. I’m a real boy,” even as his nose grows. And the head guard says, “Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.” Example: Slack-jawed Shrek comes across the Big Bad Wolf dressed in Grandmother’s clothes and the wolf, after missing only a beat, looks up and says, “What?” Example: The castle of Lord Farquaad (John Lithgow) resembles Disneyland down even to the oversized parking lot.

My top favorite: Lord Farquaad interrogates the Gingerbread Man about his fellow fairy-tale creatures: “Where are the others?” the runty regent demands. “Eat me,” the little cookie man answers. And just like that, Lord Farquaad bites off his leg.

That’s what they mean by rated PG for “mild language and some crude humor.”

The Mouse roars

Speaking of Disney, company president Michael Eisner isn’t doing Mickey Mouse’s image any good by refusing to release Michael Moore’s new documentary, “Fahrenheit 9/11.”

Moore won an Oscar last year for directing the documentary “Bowling for Columbine,” which showed that the filmmaker isn’t – and I’ve chosen this metaphor intentionally – above shooting any prisoners who fall within the frames of his camera (Charlton Heston, for example, whom Moore blindsides unmercifully).

And I wasn’t a big fan of Moore’s yelling out at the Oscar ceremonies, “Shame on you, Mr. Bush.” There are more effective ways of making your point than by screaming in public, and one way is to direct another movie.

Which, of course, is what Moore did. So now it’s Disney’s turn to act the jerk. Disney is the parent company of Miramax, the studio that produced Moore’s new movie. Apparently annoyed (I’m trying to be polite) because “Fahrenheit 9/11” at least partially attempts to tie the Bush family to the oil-rich royal family that rules Saudi Arabia, Eisner said no when it came to distributing the film.

And now Moore, who has been in Cannes at the annual film festival there and who just may walk away with an award or two (Monday’s premiere screening earned a 15-minute standing ovation), is talking again. He’s claiming that Disney is balking because someone high in Republican circles is afraid of how the film will affect the coming presidential election. Eisner, he charges, is afraid of earning the Bush administration’s wrath.

“The potential for this film to have an impact on the election was much larger than they thought,” Moore said. “It is certainly something the Bush administration does not want people to see.”

That’s the nice thing about paranoia. You’re never wrong when you say “they’re” after you. Then again, sometimes they really are.