Super-citizens

You don’t need X-ray vision to see why movie producers love superheroes.

Audiences enjoy watching the exploits of costumed characters endowed with transcendent abilities. We know people can’t really fly, run through brick walls or spurt physics-defying spider webs and swing from skyscraper to skyscraper. Still, it’s entertaining to imagine.

But why should Hollywood have all the fun?

I asked a few dozen Spokane area residents what superpowers they would like to possess. Here’s some of what they said.

Roy Myers, whose real-life identity is that of a family practice physician in Electric City, Wash., would like to be “Sani-Man,” strange visitor from another planet.

He would have superhuman ability to find a clean public restroom when he needs one.

Wouldn’t that be great on cross country car trips?

Karen Reinhart, an English teacher planning to open a small retail shop, is OK at remembering faces. “But I would like the super-ability to remember people’s names,” she said.

Who wouldn’t?

Pharmacist Tom Stanley would love to be able to communicate telepathically with other drivers. He would send them clear, unmistakable messages. You know, “Get off the phone and stay in your own lane” or “I wish I could be as cool as you with those jack-rabbit starts. I’ll see you at the next red light.”

“The list is endless,” said Stanley.

In Spokane, he wouldn’t have to drive far to encounter potential archenemies.

Susan Chapin, a working mom on Spokane’s South Hill, would like her alter ego to be “Launder Woman.”

Her superpower would give her the ability to complete a week’s worth of laundry with a wave of her hand.

And she wouldn’t just use her insta-wash gift selfishly. “I would magically appear at the homes of new mothers who are overwhelmed and — Ta-Da! — their laundry is all done.”

Can’t you just hear it? “Look at that mound of dirty clothes. This is a job for Launder Woman!”

Marie Young, a student at Mead High School, thought of a capability that might fall under the heading “Self-defense.”

“I would love to have the superhuman power to become deaf when there is a particularly loud snorer in the room,” she said.

Well, it’s not leaping over tall buildings with a single bound, but it might come in handy.

Hospital chaplain Julianne Dickelman would delight in being able to infuse people’s spirits with self-esteem. Her hope is that this would reduce fear-mongering and hatefulness. And society would be better off.

“I would also like to be able to prevent the human race from reproducing for a decade or so to let the Earth heal a bit,” she said. “But I am a Catholic chaplain and I might get excommunicated for that.”

So she would probably want to go with one of those secret-identity deals.

Chris Bishop in Blanchard, Idaho, would control the weather.

Spokane mom Pam Craig wishes she had “G-rated vision.”

She would employ this to clean up off-color bumper stickers and racy magazine covers when children are present. And she might also use it to cover up a few acres of skin here and there when thong wearers and other lunatics expose more than anyone wants to see.

Bear Carson, who works at Riverfront Park, thought small. He would like to be able to follow electrons through a circuit and repair semiconductors from the inside.

That could make for an interesting listing in the Yellow Pages.

Karen Gover, who will be a freshman at Eastern Washington University this fall, wouldn’t mind having the power to stop time. “If I needed a few more minutes to study for a test, I could get those few minutes just like that,” she said. “Or if I was running late for work, I could stop time and show up when I please.”

Yes, but wouldn’t people catch on to her secret when they noticed that she never seemed stressed?

Spokane Valley businesswoman Julie Prafke would relish the power to instantly transport herself from one place to another.

“Think of the amount of money I’d save on gas and the time I would save for other worthwhile endeavors,” she said.

Yes, that could be a real asset. So could having total command of a certain category of information.

“I would love to have the superpower ability to know all the rules of the sports my boys play (football, wrestling and baseball),” said Gigi O’Neel, who teaches birthing classes. “That way I could know what the heck is going on. And when annoying parents in the stands start arguing and yelling at the umpires/referees, I could know what is really true and maybe even have the nerve to say something.”

Kenny Hall, an accountant who lives on Spokane’s North Side, said he would like the power to become invisible. One thing he would do is flick the ear of any mouthy moviegoer talking too much.

He’d also like to be able to communicate in any language.

Kim Middleton, group sales coordinator for the Spokane Arena, would embrace “Super fix-it ability.”

She would employ this wizardry in settings as varied as home-improvement and assisting the homeless.

OK, some of these selections don’t exactly have “Classic comic book” or “Coming to a theater near you” written all over them. But hey, sometimes adults make grownup choices.

“I would like to have the superpower to comprehend,” said Bill Anderson, a retired cab driver in Mead. “Then everything else would have meaning.”

Paul Conrad, who lives on the South Hill and works on the North Side, picked the power of healing. “A touch from me and no more broken hearts or loved ones suffering,” he said.

That would be pretty good, with or without a cape.

Greg Johnson, a food service manager, would love to possess super wisdom and courtesy.

“People would seek me out for answers and, because of my incredible courtesy and diplomacy, I would be able to ask questions of them until they figured out their own best solutions.”

Hmmm. Isn’t that known as putting up a sign that says “Therapist” and charging a hundred bucks an hour?

Spokane’s Barb Beyenhof wishes she had a niceness beam with which she could zap mean people. “Of course, the beam would have to be dropped from directly above the unsuspecting individual,” she said. “Thus the need to fly would be included in the package deal.”

Ralph Smith in Post Falls is another who would opt for invisibility. “Many a time I would have liked to have been a fly on the wall,” he said.

Singer/music teacher Ann Fennessy would savor the power to destroy weeds with a single glance. But she would also like to be able to vaporize personal water craft and cause speeding motorists to experience blown-out tires.

Al Odenthal, deputy chief of police in Spokane, said he’d be quite content with Spider-Man’s array of powers. “You could swoop down, grab the bad guys and you wouldn’t have to do any paperwork,” he said.

Like more than a few respondents, Norma Jean Elber was conflicted.

On one hand, she had an idea for a power that would be an undeniable personal benefit: “super calorie-burning.”

On the other hand, she wanted to consider what she could do to help others. “I’d like to have powers of discernment to know exactly what a person needs to hear at any given time,” she said.

But that’s the way it is in choosing superpowers. No sooner have you made your selection than a second fantasy flashes to mind.

That’s what happened to Roy Myers, the doctor quoted near the start of this story who wanted to be the restroom-finding “Sani-Man.”

He came up with another idea. And, frankly, it hits a bit close to home.

“Of course, there’s always Slice Man,” said Myers. “Who, in the guise of a mild-mannered newspaper columnist, brings some pretty bizarre folks out of the woodwork.”