Keep gloom, doom to yourself please

If Chuck Youngbrandt said it was going to snow tomorrow I’d grab a Hawaiian shirt, slip into a pair of flip-flops and brace myself for a heat wave.

That’s how much stock I put in this man’s self-proclaimed powers of prophecy.

Youngbrandt, 63, heads the Staff and Sword Ministry, a doom-and-gloom religious newsletter operation based out of his home on Spokane’s North Side. He made a videotape in 1999 titled “The Coming Occupation of America.”

There’s some cheery holiday viewing.

Each issue of his newsletter is more depressing than ticket sales for Oliver Stone’s latest box office belly flop. Apparently one of God’s many responsibilities is to give Youngbrandt the heads up on scary stuff like killer earthquakes and which cities will be nuked in the next world war.

(Note to residents of Lexington, Ky.: Time to think about relocating.)

Youngbrandt doesn’t beat around the burning bush. He identifies himself on his letterhead as “Chuck-JOHNEL, Jesus Christ’s Apostle/Prophet.”

Johnel? That sounds like a better name for one of Superman’s uncles than a prophet.

Far be it from me to poke fun of anyone’s fruitcake belief system.

Hey, you can belong to a cult that worships marmots for all I care. Just keep it to yourself.

My problem with Youngbrandt is that he keeps mailing me his dour drivel.

You don’t need a prophet to tell you that’s asking for trouble.

Take the Sword and Staff Ministry newsletter that arrived late last month. “Earthquake will Re-emerge in this Locale,” blared one of the headlines.

The prophet saw Spokane getting geologically poleaxed by a “sizeable and lethal earthquake” sometime during the rest of October or November. “You can ignore this letter but will not be able to ignore the earthquake,” he warned.

On Tuesday I asked ol’ Johnel what happened?

I can be a pretty sound sleeper at times, but I’m fairly certain I didn’t snore through any “sizeable and lethal” EARTHQUAKES!!!

Just as I suspected, Youngbrandt gave me a windy explanation as to why we had no quake, rattle and roll.

Come on, man. If you have the power to warn us of an unspeakable event (Yanni returning to play more shows at the Arena, say), then, please, give us a firm time and date so we know when to drink the poison Kool-Aid.

Youngbrandt claims God told him about the minor earthquake that gently jostled Spokane on June 25, 2001.

I never saw proof of this so I’m remaining skeptical. I did, however, witness his warning about a far bigger quake that would slam the city sometime after Aug. 19 of that same year. It will “cause millions in damage and though no one will be killed, many will be seriously injured,” he said.

Another prophecy bites the dust.

But my Tuesday telephone chat with the prophet turned out profitable. Although the earthquake didn’t happen as his earlier newsletter implied, Youngbrandt told me it WILL strike “anytime between now or March.”

And so it came to pass that I challenged Johnel to a prophetic duel and he accepted.

The rules are simple. I’m giving Youngbrandt all of March. If his major earthquake does hit the area I’ll take Youngbrandt to dinner and publicly declare him the Official Spokane Prophet.

All of my holy powers (logic, common sense and sanity) tell me there will be no major earthquake. If I’m right, Youngbrandt makes me the OSP.

“Are you sure you want the job?” asks Youngbrandt in an amused tone.

I’ll give the man credit for having a sense of humor. That’s a saving grace for a prophet with apocalyptic predilections.

So now we wait. If Youngbrandt is right, it might be wise to invest in a more comprehensive homeowner’s policy.

If I’m right, well, I’ll see you all next April at the First Church of Doug.

Bring your own marmot.