The Slice: Best way to rebel? Go sockless

With just a week to go before most public schools open, let’s start today with some back-to-class questions for Uncle Slice.

Q: “How can I tell if I’m cool?”

A: Your best bet is to assume that you aren’t.

Q: “How should I deal with peer pressure?”

A: Every now and then, ask yourself “How stupid is this?”

Q: “When will I start to understand the opposite sex?”

A: Ahahahahahaha. Yeah, OK. Um, soon. Real soon.

Q: “Is sitting in the back with the class clowns and alienated psychos the best way to ensure that I’ll have opportunities to do what I want in life?”

A: No.

Q: “What’s the biggest difference between school and the real world?”

A: In the real world, the people who dislike you come in a bigger variety of ages. And there’s less emphasis on lockers.

Q: “What was it like back before there was the technology to produce excellent video games?”

A: It was rough. We had to be content with watching TV and seeing things like men walking on the moon.

Q: “How can I get my teachers to like me?”

A: Pay attention, do your work and say something funny now and then. (It’s a little known fact that most teachers actually have a sense of humor.)

Q: “Are grades important?”

A: Yes, but not as important as standing up to bullies, being decent to the outcasts and telling adults when there’s something they ought to know.

Q: “What do you think of my plan to use the same kid-slang words over and over and over?”

A: Sweet.

Q: “What can I do if my parents saddled me with a ridiculous name?”

A: Compare notes with similarly afflicted classmates.

Q: “What can I do about my urge to be a rebel?”

A: Find some socially significant way to express it, such as not wearing socks.

“Soon to be an Olympic sport: Coeur d’Alene’s Jon Ingalls could relate to the shopping-cart corral item in Saturday’s column. “I admit that the highlight of my trip to the store is returning my unmanned shopping cart from a long distance,” he wrote. “For me, it’s a cross between curling and putting. You have to release the cart with just the right speed and play the slope of the ‘green.’ Occasionally, I must play out with a 2 or even a 3-putt.”

“Speaking of sports: Steve Flegel, sports information director at Whitworth College, persuasively argued that Gonzaga University could not cobble together a football team from its existing student body that could beat the Whitworth squad.

Several of the others weighing in on this debate undercut their own arguments by being drunk at the time they left a phone message for The Slice.

“Today’s Slice question: Who was the teacher who made a difference for you?