Tell wife to see doctor about strange smell

Dear Annie: Please help me. My wife and I are in our mid-40s and have been happily married for more than 20 years. The problem is, my wife sometimes has an odor about her that bothers me, and it’s happening more frequently.

It’s not a nasty odor, just a strange smell that turns me off. She showers daily, and her clothes are impeccable. I once bought her some perfume and body lotion that I thought she would enjoy, but either she doesn’t use it or it doesn’t help.

I can’t bring myself to say anything because I don’t want to hurt her feelings or make her angry. Any suggestions? — Tired of Breathing Through My Mouth

Dear Tired: If you notice this odor, you’d better believe other people can as well. You need to tell her before someone else does.

It’s very possible that your wife has an underlying medical condition, even menopause, that is causing the problem. You don’t need to tell her she reeks. Approach it with love. Tell her you’ve noticed a change in her scent and you are concerned that it might indicate something is wrong. Ask her to see her doctor.

Dear Annie: I read the letter from “Frank” who, after 20 years of marriage and three children, wants to come clean with his family and admit he is homosexual.

Every day of my life I wish that my father had been truthful to himself and to us. Instead, he died of complications of AIDS in 1989. Six months later, we received the devastating news that my mom was infected. She died in 1994. Mom cried for the last five years of her life. After 39 years of marriage, she felt she never truly knew the man she had been faithful to all those years. My family was devastated.

I urge Frank to talk to his wife and children. They have to know the truth. It took me years of counseling and soul searching, but I finally have forgiven my father. My prayers are with Frank and his family. — Marianne in NYC

Dear Marianne: We hope your words will have an impact. Here’s more:

Dear Annie: “Frank” asked you how to break the news to his children. You told him to tell his wife first and recommended PFLAG. I was horrified to think Frank might inform his children before giving his wife a chance to adjust.

I recently found out my husband of 14 years was actively involved in homosexual activity. The shock and betrayal was crushing. It’s too much to ask a woman to be a shoulder to lean on. I needed counselors, friends, anyone who would listen when I learned that my life was not what I thought.

Frank’s wife needs a safe zone for this man to lower his boom. She needs a qualified therapist to be there when he tells her that their heterosexual life together has been a lie. When they break the news to the children, they also should have a professional present. The best his wife can offer is damage control. — Starting Over

Dear Annie: There is a specific organization for “Frank’s” family: Straight Spouse Network ( www.ssnetwk.org). Its Web page states: “In at least 2 million marriages, a spouse has come out or will disclose being gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender. When this crisis occurs, the straight spouse and children … need to know that they are not alone and there is a safe place to find help.” — Michael Harmuth, PFLAG, Pleasanton, Calif.

Dear Annie: For “Frank’s” children, please recommend COLAGE (Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere) at www.colage.org. — Denise de Percin, Executive Director, Colorado Anti-Violence Program