Kids Need To Be Reassured About Death
Q. How do I address the issue of death with my 6 year old? My parents have died and my daughter asks questions like, “Will you be alive when I am 30?” “Maybe you’ll be dead.” “Who will take care of me when you die?”
A. The issue your daughter is worried about is being abandoned. She is struggling to overcome the anxiety that is prompted by the new awareness that she could lose you.
When kids are able to comprehend the loss that death brings, fear of abandonment is easily triggered.
Fear of abandonment is a normal, built-in anxiety, which each of us has. Nature designed this response to help prevent any individual, and especially the young of the species, from becoming separated from caretakers.
The goal is to reassure her. “I’ll be here as long as you need me to take care of you.” Repeat this as many times as you need to.
Six-year-olds are unable to imagine their needs will be any different when they reach 30. Telling her she won’t need you is not as comforting as assuring her you plan to live a long, long time.
Q. How should I handle well-meaning in-laws whose parenting style is different from mine?
Here are some examples: lying to a child if it is convenient; teaching our left-handed son the “correct” (right-handed) way to write; promising candy for desired behavior; and denying impolite feelings.
A. Evaluate the impact on your kids of the different actions your in-laws take, and work to change those that result in serious conflicts or unwise pressure.
Respond with confidence and good will. Your kids are not confused by the differences between your values and those your in-laws display. Kids know who the real authorities are.
Intervene in attempts to teach your left-hander to write right-handed. This is an outmoded practice.
Choose a comfortable moment and tell your in-laws, “We don’t treat left-handedness as a problem. We want our son to feel confident and unconcerned about this. Handedness is an inherited characteristic and a perfectly normal trait. You might not agree with us, but we know you’ll respect our way of handling this.”
Respond to the lies of convenience only if they have important significance to your kids. There is no need to correct lies your in-laws tell about their own experiences or circumstances.
If the lies involve attitudes about beliefs, people, habits or food that contradict your values, speak up. “We believe every person gets to form his own opinion about that.”
Choose the best time to correct any information you feel is important to change.
I would not interfere with the in-laws trading treats for desired behavior, unless they ask the kids to do something unsuitable, such as exchanging candy for kisses. Tell them you consider affection a gift to be given freely, and not a favor to be purchased or required.
If a grandparent denies an impolite feeling, such as, “Now, you don’t really hate your brother, do you?,” you can clarify what is happening. “Grandma has a hard time hearing you say you hate your brother because she loves you both.”
Later, you might explain to your kids you accept their angry feelings, but that sometimes it’s best not to blurt them out. It’s important for them to learn when it’s OK to say what we feel, and when it’s not.
The attitudes and actions you model every day have a much greater impact on your kids than their visiting grandparents. Kids absorb these behaviors without even thinking about it.
The firm, yet friendly manner in which you confront important differences and accept insignificant ones, reflects your respect for your in-laws and confidence in your system of values.
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