Present Advice In A Helpful Way

“Alan swore he’d stick to his diet if I married him, but 10 months after our wedding, he began overeating,” says 34-year-old Alison. “He also vowed to stay in his job, but now he’s threatening to quit and uproot us to another town.”

Alison fell in love with Alan, an electronics salesman, after a disastrous first marriage. Though she and Alan barely knew each other when they decided to marry, “I had a sense that this man was right for me,” she explains.

But now, just as Alison has begun to feel happy and at home, her world is crumbling.

The trouble is, Alan now comes up with one excuse after another not to watch his weight.

“His cholesterol is much too high, but when I suggest he not have a burger and french fries for lunch every day, he snaps my head off. He argues that ever since the boss’s nephew was made supervisor, his job is hell and the stress is making him overeat. And since there is little chance to move up at the small store where he works, he wants to relocate to a larger city, where there will be more opportunities.”

Alison doesn’t understand why Alan doesn’t simply stand up to the boss’s nephew and tell him off.

Unless her new husband is willing to stick to a diet, Alison isn’t sure she wants to stay long enough to celebrate their first anniversary.

Thirty-year-old Alan knows he has a weight problem but “I ought to be left in peace to solve it my own way,” he says. “If I’m harassed, I automatically overeat and gain weight. When things are going well in my life or with my job, I’m able to eat less.”

Though it takes tremendous concentration, Alan knows that when he’s under less stress, he can reach his goal, which is why he wants to quit his job.

“When we married, I was the happiest man around,” he says. Alison was the first woman who took a serious interest in me, and I would have done anything to please her. Also, I loved my work. But when the boss’s nephew, an incompetent 22-year-old, was made supervisor, my life became miserable.”

When Alison decided to stop working, Alan began to panic, thinking he’d never be able to support them.

“When your wife kicks you out of the bedroom, the only place to go is the kitchen.”

Actually, his wife’s rejection was familiar. Ever since he was little, Alan was sure he didn’t measure up.

“My older brothers and sister were straight-A students, and my B average outraged my father.”

What’s more, At every meal, Alan’s mother exhorted him to curb his appetite so he’d be skinny like his siblings.

Still, Alan wants the marriage to work.

Helping him lose weight: the right way and the wrong way

“Ultimately, we are all responsible for our own well-being and for making decisions about our lives,” says Earnest Watkins, a psychologist in Clarksburg, W. Va.

“Yet, like Alison, we all want to encourage and advise a spouse who is having a problem. The trouble is, even well-meaning advice-givers often find their efforts boomerang.”

This doesn’t mean you must bite your tongue while your husband stuffs himself with food. It does mean you must learn to recognize that what you do and say can alienate rather than help.

If you, like Alison, find yourself in a constant tug-of-war with a spouse who overeats, smokes or exercises too little, heed the following advice.

Consider your own motives.

Is your goal really in his best interest? If your spouse is seriously overweight, medical concerns are paramount, but, ultimately, you cannot control what another person eats.

Figure out which M.O. works for your spouse.

Some people respond to logic, others to an emotional appeal. However, many hear any suggestion as a criticism, and Alan is one of them because he was so battered by criticism as a child. Alison’s best bet is to stop badgering him.

Learn to let go.

You cannot change another person. Only he can change himself and only if he really wants to. Though it can be extremely difficult to accept this fact, learning to step away from the problem is essential to your well-being and the health of your marriage.