Nfl Has Problem Getting Its Kicks
On back-to-back Sundays, the Giants’ Brad Daluiso missed two field goals and an extra point in a 24-23 loss to the Ravens and the Raiders’ Cole Ford missed four field goals and an extra point in a 23-22 loss to the Jets. On back-to-back Monday nights, the Eagles, with a botched hold, and the Steelers, with a botched snap, lost when they could not execute routine field goals on each game’s final play.
Since when did kicking the ball become a tougher task than saving the whales?
Before exploring that question, it’s important to remember one of the founding principles of this great democracy:
All men are created equal, but all kickers are not.
As usual, part of the problem lies with the salary cap. Coaches don’t want to spend too much on kickers, so when they become expensive, they become expendable. Thus, in recent years, proven kickers Morten Andersen in New Orleans, Gary Anderson in Pittsburgh, Chris Boniol in Dallas, Kevin Butler in Chicago, Chris Jacke in Green Bay, Jeff Jaeger in Oakland and Pete Stoyanovich in Miami move on.
This leaves us with the likes of the Jets’ John Hall, who has that “Oh-My-God-Is-It-My-Turn-To-Give-A-Book-Report?” look on his baby face when he trots onto the field.
You can’t trust most kickers, anyway they’re the only people in America who watch soccer in their spare time.
What’s most disturbing, though, is the breakdown in the assembly-line production of a kick.
Snap it, hold it, kick it should be as easy as snap, crackle, pop. But lately it’s been more Manny, Moe and Jack.
Granted, snapping may be deceivingly difficult bending over, looking back between your legs, with a defender about to smack you upside the head, you must hike the ball 7 yards deep. But the holding job? Being a holder is pretty much like being a toll-taker without the change!
(TV Tidbit: So now we have “The Tony Danza Show” about a divorced sportswriter. No disrespect toward Danza, but if I have to sit and watch my own miserable life played out, can’t they at least get Liam Neeson?)
As always, the following point-spread picks should not be used as the basis for any actual cash wager:
Cardinals at Buccaneers (-7-1/2): My friends, Tampa Bay - playoff-hungry and playoff-ready - is still unbeaten. My friends, were I not winning $50,000 a shot on Tampa Bay, I’d be without house or home, because as for the rest of my picks, The Man lives in Heartbreak Hotel. However, my friends, even if my Bucs win, it won’t be by much. Pick: Cards.
Bears at Cowboys (-14-1/2): To accommodate player demand, Cowboys have added kissing booth to practice facility… . To avoid bad scenes, Cowboys have set up separate entrances at Texas Stadium for players’ wives and mistresses. Pick: Bears.
Oilers at Steelers (-7): Let’s get it straight on Pittsburgh’s Bill Cowher right here and now: Players come and players leave, stuff changes and stuff happens - and this guy keeps winning. He could coach Howard Stern to Miss Congeniality. Pick: Steelers.
Eagles at Vikings (-3): To be sure, Ray Rhodes having to pick between Ty Detmer and Rodney Peete in Philadelphia isn’t exactly Steve McQueen choosing between AnnMargret and Tuesday Weld in “The Cincinnati Kid.” Pick: Vikings.
Panthers at 49ers (-3-1/2): 49ers are 3-1, but strangely, I still think this will be their worst season in 15 years. Then, I still think Beta is a better product than VHS. Pick: Panthers.
Jets at Bengals (-3-1/2): Jets have gone 1,076 days without recording back-to-back victories, nearly as impressive as the time USA Today went 1,433 days without using a comma. Pick: Bengals.
Rams at Raiders (-7): Hoping to return to the glory days of the ‘60s, ‘70s and ‘80s, Al Davis ordered Raiders to switch to black-and-white game films. Pick: Rams.
Jaguars at Redskins (even): Spurred by 3-0 start, Jaguars’ web site is second-most popular in Jacksonville area behind www.tacobell.com. Pick: Redskins.
Ravens at Chargers (-2): I don’t want to say Chargers’ offense is stiff, but even when Stan Humphries audibilizes, he uses a TelePrompTer. Pick: Ravens.
Broncos (-8) at Falcons: One team’s unbeaten, one’s winless. What, you need Rand McNally to find Easy Street on this one? Pick: Broncos.
Packers (-7-1/2) at Lions: Odd note about Packers QB Brett Favre: After he puts on his parking brake, he fakes restarting the ignition. Pick: Lions.
Seahawks at Chiefs (-4-1/2): Frankly, Carlester Crumpler is as good a name for a tight end as Candy Sweets is for a stripper. Pick: Seahawks. Saints at Giants (-4): Let me ask you a question: Do you think the Giants score in practice? Pick: Saints.
Last week: 3-9-1. Season: 24-31-1.*
(*-Sinking fast, The Man can only echo the words of John Paul Jones, “Sir, I have not yet begun to fight.”)
The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Norman Chad Syndicated Columnist