Introducing A Clingy Child To Individuality
Q. I have a wonderful 8-year-old daughter who is very eager to please. I divorced her natural dad six years ago, and have since remarried.
I worked full time since she was born, but have been a full-time mom since January. She was content with day care and accepted the fact that I worked.
My problem is she is far too clingy. When I put her to bed, she always says she has not gotten enough of me. She cries and won’t let go of me. After falling asleep, she often gets out of bed crying for “Mama.” We have tried everything we can think of, from punishing her to rewarding positive behavior.
She claims she doesn’t remember getting up in the middle of the night, and when I tell her she did get up, she feels bad. She follows me everywhere I go, and gets sad when I try to impose responsibilities on her, such as putting herself to bed or bathing herself. I am just crushed because I love her so much. I reassure her constantly.
What do you suggest? Would counseling help?
A. Kids are born with differing degrees of the attachment need, which is a built-in impulse to stay close to a parent.
The species survived because of this bond, yet for your daughter’s (and every individual’s) emotional growth and social development, she has to be able to be comfortable apart from you.
Don’t punish her. She needs to learn new skills, rather than feel she’s broken any rules. Don’t mention her waking in the night.
Announce a new program, “I want to help you feel more comfortable, without needing me to tell you how much I love you, or feeling you have to be close to me.”
Make a big message and post it on her bulletin board describing your love for her. “When you want to know how loved you are, just look at my message.”
Don’t offer repeated reassurances, just remind her to read the sign.
When she follows you, find an activity that discourages closeness.
Start inviting her friends over to play. Make it a requirement that she invite a friend for sleepovers, meals and movies. Enroll her in activities she enjoys.
Counseling would give her emotional support during this transition, and the opportunity to develop a relationship with another mother figure.
Make sure you participate in your favorite activities. You need a life of your own and your daughter needs to see you enjoy your independence.
Q. Our 8-year-old daughter is a pleasant, intelligent, attractive girl with one problem - she has terrible eating habits. She chews with her mouth wide open, talks, and drops crumbs. She has chronically enlarged adenoids, so we attribute some of it to not being able to breathe very well through her nose. In general, it is not pleasant eating with her.
She also nervously chews on something - her hair, coat strings, pencils, etc.
We’ve tried different approaches to stop the annoying habits, but to no avail. Other than this, she seems pretty happy and well-adjusted. Will she eventually outgrow this, or should we more actively try to correct her?
A. Controlling compulsive habits is not easy, because those who suffer from them are usually unaware of their actions. You may benefit from the input of her pediatrician.
Start by helping her monitor her chewing. Controlling this will give her a needed social skill.
Invite her favorite teacher, or a best friend and family for a special dinner. Use a signal to remind her to chew with her mouth closed. Practice the signal before your dinner party.
Read “Tiffany’s Table Manners for Teenagers” by Walter Hoving. Emphasize the etiquette people use at meals.
After she’s made progress on eating, try new signals for her other chewing habits. Reward each small step of progress.
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The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Cathleen Brown The Spokesman-Review