Sorrow Is Easier When Shared

Dear Ann Landers: I am a psychologist who has practiced grief therapy for 25 years. I thought “An Open Letter to Bereaved Parents” was excellent. However, one sentence from your reader troubled me. She wrote, “You will find out who your true friends are at this time.” This is not necessarily so.

People often say stupid things or avoid mourners not out of malice but discomfort. Friends who disappear or seem indifferent don’t necessarily love you less, they simply can’t deal with the emotional pain. They avoid you because they don’t know how to act or what to say.

Sometimes, the grieving person needs to lead the way. A griever once told me, “I had a friend who abandoned me completely. She didn’t even give me a phone call. I couldn’t believe it. She was one of my closest friends. Finally, I reached out to her and invited her to lunch. She cried throughout the entire meal. ‘See,’ she said, ‘this is why I didn’t call. I can’t stop crying.’ I told her, ‘So cry, but don’t lose me and don’t let me lose you.’ “

There are great losses deeply felt in times of grief. The loss of friendship because people don’t respond the way we think they should only adds to the grief.- Therapist in Minneapolis

Dear Therapist in Minneapolis: Thank you for a moving letter. Mary Bailey of Galesburg, Ill., sent me a poem she wrote in 1982. It was written following the death of her daughter, Dianne, who was killed in an automobile accident.

Please, dear friend,

Don’t say to me the old cliches,

Time heals all wounds,

God only gives you as much as you can bear,

Life is for the living …

Just say the thoughts of your heart.

I’m sorry, I love you, I’m here, I care.

Hug me and squeeze my hand.

I need your warmth and strength.

Please don’t drop your eyes when I am near.

I feel so rejected now by God and man.

Just look in my eyes, and let me know that you are with me.

Don’t think you must always be strong for me.

It’s OK to cry. It tells me how much you care.

Let me cry, too. It’s so lonely to always cry alone.

Please keep coming by even after many weeks have passed.

When the numbness wears off, the pain of grief is unbearable.

Don’t ever expect me to be quite the same.

How can I be when part of my being is here no more?

But please know, dear friend, with your love, support and understanding,

I will live and love again and be grateful every day that I have you.

Dear Ann Landers: You recently printed a letter about a diabetic driver who caused the tragic death of a young woman and permanent injury to her fiance. The driver, who had failed to monitor his blood sugar, apparently passed out at the wheel when the accident occurred. The writer indicated that the San Diego District Attorney did not press charges. This is incorrect.

Criminal charges were filed by my office in March, and the driver is being prosecuted for vehicular manslaughter. I hope you will set the record straight. - Paul Pfingst, District Attorney, County of San Diego, Calif.

Dear District Attorney Pfingst: Many thanks for the correction and the update. It’s good to know that justice prevails in San Diego and that the streets are now safer.