Bad Behavior Doesn’t Mean Bad Parenting
One of my presentations is titled “Understanding and Successfully Managing Your teenager (and Yourself).”
As you might imagine, it’s oft-requested, and seats never go begging. The typical attendee is a relatively well-educated late-30s to early-40s parent whose standard of living could be described as “comfortable,” but who is definitely not comfortable with this stage of parenthood.
Nervous, angry, scared and confused are more like it: nervous over what the teen in question is capable of doing, angry concerning what the child has already done, scared of what’s to come and confused about what to do.
I begin the presentation by asking for a show of hands from those people who, as teens, “did something fairly bad that their parents never found out about.” A few weeks ago, more than half an audience of 500 in Columbia, S.C., raised their hands.
“Keep your hands up if yours was a relatively decent family where you learned good values,” I said. I didn’t see any hands go down.
“Keep your hand up if you never did the bad thing in question ever again.” Three-fourths of the hands stayed up.
As I then pointed out, these survey results - and I get pretty much the same results with every audience - mean several things: 1. There’s a fairly good likelihood that even a teen from a good family background, one in which proper values are taught, will occasionally misbehave in some outrageous way. Therefore, because a teenager does something really bad doesn’t mean his or her parents have been deficient or negligent in some respect.
2. As exemplified by the parents who come to my presentations, most of these teens grow up to be responsible members of their communities. Therefore, because a teenager does something really bad doesn’t mean he or she is going to grow up to be a bad person.
3. Most teenagers who do something really bad eventually - if not immediately - regret having done it, even if their parents don’t find out. Therefore, when a child who possesses basically good values does something bad, the likelihood is he will feel bad about it and learn the appropriate lesson even if he is never “caught.”
Another way of saying this: A teen with a well-developed conscience never gets away with anything.
Parental nervousness, fear, anger and confusion don’t prevent teens from doing bad things, but this mix of emotion most certainly prevents parents from acting effectively when they need to.
As the once-upon-a-time parent of two teenagers, I found in order to act effectively when the proverbial iron gets hot, one needs to keep one’s cool.
I also discovered it’s impossible to keep your cool if you think everything your teenager does is a reflection on you/your parenting.
A parent’s emotional survival of a teen hinges on remembering the words of Proverbs 20:15 - foolishness is bound in the heart of a child - and remembering also that this foolishness peaks during the early teen years.
If you’ve done your job well to this point, the overwhelming likelihood is that your teen’s foolishness will run its course in due time. Just as yours did.
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The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = John Rosemond The Charlotte Observer