Several Steps Can Ease Pain Of Divorce

Q. My wife and I have decided to divorce. We haven’t told our two children, ages 9 and 6, and want to do so in as painless a manner as possible. We’ve heard children frequently think divorce is their fault, and we want to prevent this from happening. We’d like your advice.

A. Here are some general rules of thumb for telling your children about your decision:

Be sure you’ve made up your minds. You don’t want to throw the children for a loop needlessly. If there’s a chance, even a slim one, that you’ll reconcile, then tell the children you’re separating to give each other some room.

Don’t make it seem as if you’re soliciting the children’s opinions. Rather, make it clear you’re merely informing them of whatever decision you make.

Tell the children the day before or the day of your actual separation. Make your decision, make your arrangements, then tell the children and go through with it. The more time there is between your conference with the children and the actual leaving, the more stressful things will be on them and the harder they will work to keep the two of you together.

Don’t tell them in the morning and then send them off to school. Tell them on a non-school day or after school. If need be, keep them out of school a day to tell them.

Don’t improvise! Decide exactly what you’re going to tell the children and who’s going to tell them what and stick with the program. The more you stumble over one another, the more upset the children will become.

Just in case I need to make it explicit, you should both be there when the children are told. Neither of you gets off the hook.

Keep the actual conversation short and to the point. There’s no reason to let this “conference” last longer than a few minutes. Give the children time to ask questions, but limit the proceedings.

Do not editorialize. Tell the children “what,” but not “why.” If they ask “why?” questions, tell them simply this is a decision moms and dads sometimes make, and you’re sure it will work out well for everyone. Under no circumstances blame each other or put each other down.

Be prepared for the worst possible reaction. Sometimes children take these things well. Sometimes they don’t. If yours become distraught, you must be prepared to step in and restore control.

Reassure the children that nothing has changed about your love for them. In this time of upheaval, it’s important they know certain things are not changing.

Tell them what custody and visitation arrangements have been decided. This is one area where the children may want input. If so, don’t give them the opportunity. Later, when things have calmed down, you can get their opinions.