Honesty Regarding Anger Lets You Grow

“My husband bosses me around like a dictator,” announces an angry Jennifer, 29, an illustrator for a greeting card company who’s been married to Mike for three years. “His father is like that, too,” she adds. “He’s forever lashing out at his family and employees, so I suppose it’s true that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

Jennifer grew up in a small town where her wealthy parents were “totally supportive” of her and her two sisters, she reports. “I needed that nurturing because I was a very shy, overweight little girl,” she recalls. “It’s a shame that I don’t see my family very much now.” She met Mike in college when she started dating one of his friends. She always knew he was strong-willed - and even liked it. “I was impressed by how intelligent and self-possessed he was. I admired the way he took charge,” she admits. “Back then, I had zero confidence in myself. I didn’t think I was smart enough to really talk to him.”

But after graduation, she moved into the city, where she bumped into Mike. He invited her out for drinks and, by the end of the evening, Jennifer was hooked. They married after dating for one year and, at first, the relationship seemed idyllic. “Not that there weren’t problems,” she adds, “Mike could come on too strong sometimes, though nothing like what he does now. “

He’s also begun to criticize her friends and make demeaning comments about her job and what she does in her free time. “He’ll pick on my friends, declare that the people at work are taking advantage of me, and if I make plans to have dinner with a girlfriend, he’ll yell: ‘You’re my wife and your place is at home with me.’ “

Jennifer fell into the habit of seeing friends when Mike began to travel extensively for business - and she thinks he’s being totally unreasonable when he expects her to cancel a date at the last minute if his plans change.

Mike, 32, doesn’t understand why Jennifer has dragged him into a marriage counselor’s office. “Jennifer’s the one with the problem,” he announces. “She’s the one who has spent her whole life denying, to herself and everyone else, that she has a problem.”

“It is preventing her from standing up for herself the way she must,” says Debra Pearl, MSW, a marriage and family therapist in New York City.

In fact, as counseling progressed a totally different picture emerged of Jennifer’s childhood. It seems that her family was not at all supportive: Her mother was a demanding woman who was quite critical of her daughter. Her father, wrapped up in his businesses, didn’t have much time for her; and her sisters, rather than protect her from the verbal taunts, perpetuated them. Jennifer had felt unable to fight back and defend herself - a pattern that haunted her now. Though she resented Mike’s tyrannical ways, by not speaking she was allowing him to control her life.

Like Jennifer, many people discover that unacknowledged anger builds up, triggering a host of problems from physical ailments to psychological problems. It’s not easy to recognize this pattern, harder still to confront someone who is taking advantage of you and set proper limits. While Mike must learn what it means to be in a reciprocal relationship, Jennifer needs to learn how to confront him. The following suggestions helped her.

If you must confront someone who denies he has said or done anything wrong and they say “Where did you get that idea,” or “That’s not what happened at all,” don’t keep arguing. Instead, consider whether you might be overreacting or misinterpreting what’s happening. If you’re sure of your feelings, insist that your partner hear you out and address what’s troubling you by saying “I’m not here to debate you. The bottom line is I’m upset by the way you speak to me.”

If you must confront someone who constantly puts you down by saying “You’re being ridiculous,” or “You’re so naive, Jennifer,” don’t assume he’s right because you have always felt insecure. Let him know by saying “Maybe you don’t think you’re being critical, but it feels that way to me. I don’t like it, so stop.”

Of course, while Jennifer had to learn to stand up to Mike, she also had to learn how to be responsive to his needs and concerns. Once they began talking to each other, instead of at each other, she realized he was right when he said she stayed out too late at night.

“I think I did that to get back at him, to make a point,” she admits. “Now that we’re communicating better, there’s no need to do that.”