‘Fifth Element’ Falls Short Of Even Second-Rate

I am writing this week’s movie review in place of my son, Jeff, who was too disgusted with “The Fifth Element” to write the column himself.

We went to see the movie on Mother’s Day. I’m relieved that it wasn’t his present to me, or I’d be very disappointed in his judgment - and rightfully so.

Above all, “The Fifth Element” was confusing. Jeff said he didn’t know what was going on for the first 45 minutes of the film. I was baffled for the first two hours and seven minutes - right up until the end when the credits rolled. Then I knew it was time to leave.

The worst part of the confusion, though, was that I never knew whether this movie was supposed to be a comedy, a sci-fi adventure, a thriller, or an episode of “Babylon 5.” I asked Jeff. He just screamed at me and told me in no uncertain terms that I should never discuss this movie again.

While I don’t know Bruce Willis personally, I think he plays himself, only 300 years in the future. The differences are that in the future, he drives a cab and isn’t married to Demi Moore.

I wasn’t impressed. My son hated him even more. Whenever Willis came on screen, Jeff looked like he was in a great deal of pain.

Willis’ character, Korben Dallas, lives in a small room that looks like the Jetsons’ house, only smaller, and without the robot to clean up the place. I was so unconvinced by Willis’ portrayal that I couldn’t stop concentrating on the scar from his shoulder surgery and the four piercings in his left ear.

Willis’ house isn’t the only cartoon-like part of this movie. In fact, the future in “The Fifth Element” is quite similar to the future in “The Jetsons.” In the movie, however, there is no color. Everything is gray or black.

The basic premise in “The Fifth Element” is that an evil planet is out to destroy the Earth. Our government tries to shoot the planet, but it just grows and becomes more sinister. Then, all of the sudden, a “perfect” force arrives on Earth. A scientist transforms that force into Milla Jovovich.

This is the point when I knew this movie would have no effective moral. Jovovich may be a supermodel, but anyone with half a brain knows that beauty isn’t all it takes to be perfect.

After Jovovich’s character, Leeloo, appears out of nowhere, she escapes from a glass case and evades authorities by jumping off a building - right into Korben Dallas’s cab. He takes her to a priest, who discovers that Leeloo is the key to saving the world.

I realize that the plot details seem random, pointless and stupid. But that pretty much sums up this movie.

As “The Fifth Element” progresses, a parade of evil characters appear, say scary things in strange accents, shoot people and generally work against Korben and Leeloo. Still, it’s never clear exactly who is the true villain.

Gary Oldman, who wears some sort of plastic shield and consorts with stranger-looking animals, is quite entertaining. I found myself cheering for him, until he started bombing buildings and shooting at everyone.

As it turns out (or so Jeff tells me) Korben and Leeloo are out to save the world from evil. The real evil, though, is having to sit through movies like this one. Bruce Willis could do the world a service by not acting in any more of them.

Grade: D-