Zoo Dorks Still Try To Keep Pipe Dream Alive

As proof not every kook left Earth to ride the Hale-Bopp comet, whacked-out Walk in the Wild zoo boosters still are - pause for insane laughter - begging for money.

That’s just a sample of the mail I’ve received concerning chicken longevity, mysterious phone bills, Gypsy curse removal and the Mayor’s Alimony Fund.

Yes, it’s time for Reeaaader’s Windbaaag - the forum that gives my adoring fans a chance to pop off without being arrested and used as filler in the city’s new experimental Jimmy Hoffa pothole repair program.

Walk in the Wild, Spokane’s hospice for three-legged animals, mercifully sank deeper than the Titanic.

After the penal colony went bust, the hapless critters were shipped away. Even the chain-link cages were auctioned off.

All that remains of what once was one of America’s worst zoos is a fading stain on our collective memory. If only Walk in the Wild’s zoo-do-for-brains supporters would go down with their rusty ark.

But noooo. “Our mission continues …,” states a recent zoological society plea for money and members, “with our long-range goal of seeking a donation of land suitable for a zoo site in the Inland Northwest.”

“Will this thing ever die?” wonders Ken, who sent a faxed copy of the crazy appeal.

Sorry, Ken. Pipe dreams may burst, but they never die. Too bad our zoo dorks don’t know when to hibernate.

“What I really want to know,” said a miserable Herbert Mueller at the conclusion of a recent column, “is how long they live.”

Herb was not talking about delusional zoo boosters.

He was clucking about Doo Dee - the pet Rhode Island red that rules the roost at his lovely north Spokane home.

Herb’s chicken-loving wife, Pam, lets Doo Dee sit at the dinner table, poop all over the carpet and even - children, cover your eyes! - share the Muellers’ BED! Alert Sandpoint chicken owner Laurie Brown mailed in some tragic observations: First, “the average life span of a hen is 10 to 15 years, although a few have lived to 25.”

Second, “I’m not sure I’d give the Muellers’ marriage the same prediction of longevity.”

Donations to remove Spokane’s Gypsy curse are flooding in like Grand Forks, N.D., after a spring thaw.

I asked the community recently to pony up $7,500 to hire Susan Johnson, the first sorceress member of the Spokane Area Chamber of Commerce. Johnson bills herself as an expert in “psychic uncursing.”

A day after my appeal, South Side resident David Emery sent me a generous $30,000 contribution.

He stipulated that $20,000 should go to cancel the hex that steamed Gypsies placed over Spokane after a botched police raid in 1986. He designated the remaining $10,000 for the Mayor’s Alimony Fund.

That’s another charitable project I began after Spokane Mayor Jack Geraghty was found in contempt of court for failing to make support payments to his estranged wife.

This should be “enough to cover my neighborhood,” writes David.

It would be if David’s money weren’t quite so funny. It consists of three $10,000 “Hell Bank Notes.”

Hmm. Sounds like a clever way to tell Gypsies and our deadbeat mayor where to go.

Which brings us to Barbara Golden’s vanishing phone bill.

The Spokane Valley woman sent me a copy of a snotty letter from US West Communications. The phone moguls want to pull her plug if she doesn’t pay a past-due balance of - get this - $0.00.

“FULL PAYMENT must be MAILED IMMEDIATELY …,” the letter warned.

Barbara called US West, but a phone druid began asking personal questions. She hung up, fearing for her sanity and dial tone.

Thank goodness Barbara knew where to go for action. I will send US West one of David’s “Hell Notes.” That should cover the $0.00, plus get the proper message across.

I doubt the mayor will mind.

, DataTimes