Immaturity Adds To Marital Problems
“Guy criticizes everything about me,” says a furious Diana, 22, a secretary who eloped with Guy two years ago. “My hair, my clothes, even my Saturday art class - one of the few pleasures I allow myself.
Diana is fed up with Guy’s old-fashioned chauvinistic ways. She puts in as many hours at her office as Guy does at the gas station where he works as a mechanic, but all the housework still falls on her to-do list: “Guy doesn’t so much as lift a dish towel,” she grumbles. “If dinner is five minutes late, he has a fit, but does he lift a finger to help? No. What am I, his slave?” she wants to know.
More than anything, Diana has dreamed of being a mother, “when I’m young so I can really enjoy my kids,” she explains.
“I don’t understand how things could turn so rotten so fast,” she continues. “I really don’t know why Guy is so unhappy, but when I’m with him I feel like I can’t do one thing right.” In the past few months, Diana has been a jumble of nerves. “I’ve been trying too hard to please a man who is unpleasable and I will always and forever fail,” she says. That’s why Diana really wants to see a divorce attorney, not a marriage therapist. “I’m entitled to a home, children and a husband who loves me,” she says angrily.
Thirty-nine-year-old Guy is as angry as his wife and can’t understand why she’s so unhappy. “Diana complains about everything all the time,” he mutters. As far as Guy is concerned, he’s done everything possible to please his wife, to no avail. “Look, I’d like a nice house and children, too. But right now, I think we’re too young - and besides, we just don’t have the money to raise a family yet.” Guy came for counseling grudgingly. “If you can fix Diana, I’ll do my part,” he says.
Standing firm
“Diana and Guy were both unready for marriage,” says Marc Snowman, M.S.W., a marital and child therapist in New York City. “Selfish and immature, they failed to realize the part they each played in their marital problems and instead resorted to mutual blame and criticism.” Many husbands and wives feel belittled by a spouse. Unfortunately, instead of focusing on ways to end that criticism and learn how to really talk to each other, they get caught up in childish retaliation and one-upmanship. The result: Each feels hopeless about breaking the cycle and completely unable to defend themselves against what are perceived as unjust attacks.
But the truth is, the ability to handle criticism can often make or break a marriage. While everyone feels unjustly criticized at times, the only thing you can control about criticism is your own reactions to it. These steps can help to bolster your self-esteem and regain your footing:
1. Give yourself credit. When you’re mired in self-doubt, you’ll feel especially vulnerable to the slings and arrows shot by others, be it your spouse or anyone else. Remind yourself of the many things you do right.
2. Try deflecting criticism by giving a vague response or blank look and then simply walking away or picking up a magazine or book and reading it. You’ll make your critic feel ineffective.
3. If the belittling comments continue, don’t lash back in anger. It’s gotten you nowhere so far, right? Instead, control yourself and calmly say: “What you did makes me so angry, I can’t even speak civilly right now. When I’ve had a chance to calm down, we’ll talk.”
4. Remember that criticism won’t affect change. Like Diana and Guy, many people believe that their partner would improve by changing. But trying to change someone through criticism almost always backfires.
5. If your partner often complains that you are critical, or if you feel that your comments, though well-intentioned, fall on deaf ears, think about how you say something as well as the words you use. Your tone of voice, the volume of your voice as well as your facial expression and body language may be conveying a message other than the one you intend to be sending.
6. Consider whether what your spouse has said is true - at least in part. When couples have been fighting for a long time, it can be hard to think rationally about a partner’s comments. Yet the admission that a spouse may be correct, can be all you need to melt the ice.
Diana and Guy saved their marriage by changing their attitudes, thinking about what they said instead of reacting instinctively and hostilely.