Bloomsday’s Oft-Forgotten Fundamentals
It never hurts, the day before Bloomsday, to go over some of the fundamentals of the runner’s art, as well as the simple-yet-important rules of Bloomsday itself. The professional Bloomsday runner, such as myself, who has actually “raced his age” (in dog years), knows that certain tenets must be followed:
Do not over-train. Many people make the mistake of training too hard before the race. Actually, they don’t train at all for 364 days, and then on the Saturday before Bloomsday, go out and sprint extremely hard for about six blocks. The one time I tried this strategy I was so sore on race day that I found myself back with the baby-strollers. Fortunately, my wife agreed to push me, so I ended up with a pretty good time anyway.
Don’t go out too fast in the first two miles. Many inexperienced runners start too fast, and almost always end up paying the price, which is $75 for going 10 mph in a seven mph zone. (Obviously, Bloomsday course marshals are very strict about this rule.)
Don’t overdress. The inexperienced Bloomsday runner can almost always be identified by the parka and hood, which not only causes overheating, but a nasty friction rash where the ski-lift ticket slaps against the thighs. Footwear should also be light, although we forget that the race was nearly won in 1982 by a Kenyan wearing snowboots.
Don’t underdress. Use some common sense. Those runners who wear only underwear, or even nothing at all, almost invariably fail to finish the race because they get invited to parties while in Peaceful Valley.
Eat sensibly the night before the race. I have noticed that many amateur runners are unclear about the definition of “carbo-loading.” For the record, a dry martini is not strictly a carbohydrate. Nor is wienerschnitzel, prime rib, scrambled eggs, triple-shot espresso or a rack of barbecued pork ribs. However, I believe that New York-style cheesecake, “Cherry Garcia” ice cream and half-rack of Budweiser are all carbohydrates. Here’s a handy rule of thumb: Experienced runners define “carbohydrates” as any dish that will make you feel fat and bloated just in time to run a 7.46 mile race.
Don’t eat too much the morning of the race. The inexperienced runner then compounds the mistake by “stoking up the body’s engine” with a breakfast of pigs-in-a blanket, chips ‘n’ dip, and a full salad bar. These are the people you see at the side of the road at the half-mile mark, doing something called “carbo-unloading.”
Resist the urge to run a “gimmick” race. You know what I mean. There are always a few people who try to run dressed as Slim Whitman (The Running Yodeler) or who try to run the entire course hopping on one foot. The Running Yodelers almost invariably have to drop out midrace due to rhinestone-chafing injuries. As for the hoppers, they generally fall and are struck by baby-strollers, although don’t forget that everyone is required to hop on one foot at approximately Mile 3.5, when they hit the chalked-in hopscotch course. (This is another rule that is very strictly enforced.)
Don’t try to run the race backward. The human body is built for maximum efficiency in the face forward mode. However, for variety’s sake, you can try the other kind of backward - that is, you can run the race in the wrong direction, from finish to start. Your injuries should heal quickly, plus you will be eligible for the $10,000 prize on “America’s Funniest Home Videos.”
And finally, don’t cheat. What’s the satisfaction in finishing 8,978th in your age group if the only way you can do so is by jumping onto the course midrace? Or by taking a shortcut in a taxi? Or by failing to hop properly at the hop-scotch section? With an attitude like that, nobody’s going to invite you to parties in Peaceful Valley.
, DataTimes The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Jim Kershner The Spokesman-Review