Seek Help If You Recognize Signs

Dear Ann Landers: I am sending you a column of yours that changed my life a few years ago. I recognized myself at once. Please run it again. Maybe it will help someone else the way it helped me. These past few years have been the best of my life. Please tell other abused women that it’s Not Too Late

Dear N.T.L.: Nothing I might say could be nearly as effective as what you have written. Here’s the column you requested:

Dear Ann Landers: Please print this list of warning signals to help women determine if a mate or date is a potential (or actual) batterer:

1. Jealousy of your time with co-workers, friends and family.

2. Controlling behavior. (Controls your comings and goings and your money and insists on “helping” you make personal decisions.)

3. Isolation. (Cuts you off from all supportive resources such as telephone pals, colleagues at work and close family members.)

4. Blames others for his problems. (Unemployment, family quarrels - everything is “your fault.”)

5. Hypersensitivity. (Easily upset by annoyances that are a part of daily life, such as being asked to work overtime, criticism of any kind, being asked to help with chores or child care.)

6. Cruelty to animals or children. (Insensitive to their pain and suffering, may tease and/or hurt children and animals.)

7. “Playful” use of force in sex. (May throw you down and hold you during sex. May start having sex with you when you are sleeping or demand sex when you are ill or tired.)

8. Verbal abuse. (Says cruel and hurtful things, degrades and humiliates you, wakes you up to verbally abuse you or doesn’t let you go to sleep.)

9. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality. (Sudden mood swings and unpredictable behavior - one minute loving, the next minute angry and punitive.)

10. Past history of battering. (Has hit others but has a list of excuses for having been “pushed over the edge.”)

11. Threats of violence. (Says, “I’ll slap you,” “I’ll kill you” or “I’ll break your neck.”)

12. Breaking or striking objects. (Breaks your possessions, beats on the table with fists, throws objects near or at you or your children.)

13. Uses force during an argument. (Holds you down or against a wall, pushes, shoves, slaps or kicks you. This type of behavior can easily escalate to choking, stabbing or shooting.)

Please, Ann, tell women that help is as close as the telephone. Any woman who sees herself in this column should call the nearest women’s crisis line and tell someone what is happening. She will be provided with support and safety options.

Identifying the warning signs is the first step in breaking the cycle of violence. - Portland, Ore.

Dear Oregon: Some women do not realize they are being abused until someone points it out to them. They have been made to believe that abusive treatment is what they deserve and that most women are treated this way.

I hope the women who see themselves in today’s column will check out the nearest women’s shelter and keep the phone number handy. They can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (TDD: 1-800-787-3224). It could save their lives.