Appreciate Each Role In Modern Marriage
“Ever since I lost my job and we decided I’d be the one to stay home with the kids, Peggy has slowly made me feel invisible,” grumbles Howie, 32, a photographer whose freelance business has been rocky for several years.
When it was just the two of them, Howie recalls, “what I brought in and what she brought in didn’t matter. When things got done around the house, or how they got done didn’t matter either. But four years ago, when Peggy got pregnant with their first daughter, they decided it made more financial sense for her to remain in her position as an urban planner with an engineering firm while he watched Samantha and tried to work from home.
“I was able to get a few catalog assignments,” Howie says, “but when Hillary was born, my time was consumed with the girls.” Though he takes great pride in his ability to care for the kids, he’s surprised by how much of his self-esteem is tied to his work.
“I know how important my contribution to this family is, but I can’t help feeling jealous that Peggy’s out there earning money, being successful in her career, and I’m not,” Howie says. There are enough stay-at-home dads these days that being odd man out is not an issue,” Howie insists. “But what I can’t stand is when Peggy comes home and wonders snidely why dinner isn’t ready or the air conditioners aren’t in,” he says. In fact, Howie wonders if she has any idea what he does all day.
Peggy, 31, insists she does and, often wishes she could switch places with him. “I feel guilty and ambivalent,” she admits. “I really enjoy my job, and there’s no question that my salary and benefits are a far better deal than Howie’s feast-or-famine freelance existence. But I miss being with my kids.” When she does get home, she doesn’t want to face yet another job. “Howie is wonderful with the kids and he does do so much,” she concedes. “But I don’t want to come home and have to think about dinner. And I hate it when he gives the girls Cheerios at 5:30 to hold them over until I get home and decide what we are eating.” If she’s at the office all day, why can’t Howie make hamburgers? Peggy wants to know. She knows that her individual complaints may sound petty, but they’re beginning to build up. And when she’s tired and overwhelmed, she often loses perspective.
Making Dads Feel Important
“Peggy and Howie realize that they’re living a modern marriage with a decidedly old-fashioned twist,” notes Evelyn Moschetta, DSW.
“Nevertheless, in a healthy relationship, each partner must feel accepted and appreciated for the part they play. While no one wants to fight, especially over seemingly trivial issues, it’s often the small arguments that, over time, brew resentment.
For couples like Peggy and Howie, safeguarding each partner’s self-esteem is particularly critical. Just as stay-at-home moms have a life beyond diapers and dishes, so do stay-at-home dads. And since society, like it or not, still measures a man’s worth by his paycheck, the father who stays home often feels he’s fighting an uphill battle for respect. How can you make that fight a little easier for both of you?
Recognize each other’s feelings of vulnerability. Peggy and Howie both believe they shouldn’t feel the way they do, but are unable to lessen their anxieties. Talking with your partner about the source of those feelings - most likely an unconscious belief that you are not living up to childhood expectations of what a wife or husband does - can help. So, too, can simply admitting the feelings out loud. Peggy needs to say, “I’m jealous that you have so much time with the girls.” Howie needs to trust Peggy enough to admit when his self-confidence is sagging.
Be clear about responsibilities. Make a list if you have to, but never assume. Rather, discuss clearly and frequently what you expect of each other. When you were first married, such a precise division of labor didn’t matter so much, but since it does now, the best way to avoid arguments is to clarify what each of you has to accomplish and when. If your partner’s timetable is different from yours - and occasionally it will be - take the time to negotiate a compromise.
Make each other feel appreciated. Say thank you often. It sounds silly, but it really isn’t. Everyone needs a pat on the back, even for the most routine things.