Most Say Cheaters Never Change

Dear Ann Landers: I am writing about the letter from “At the Crossroads in Des Moines.” She learned that her fiance was seeing another woman, and although he promised to stop, she wasn’t sure she could trust him. Maybe my experience will help her.

After two failed marriages, I was convinced that I would never find a decent man. Then, I met “Ernie.” The chemistry was perfect. I fell madly, totally, completely head over heels in love. We dated for several months, took a vacation together and became engaged. I was sure we would live happily ever after.

A few weeks later, a woman called and introduced herself as Ernie’s longtime girlfriend. “Hazel” said, “I heard you were a nice person, and I just want to tell you that Ernie is a skillful liar and he is not to be trusted.” When I told Ernie about the call, he denied knowing Hazel and insisted she was some crazy troublemaker. I believed him. When Hazel called me a second time, I told her what Ernie had said, and she suggested we confront him together. I agreed.

You should have seen Ernie’s face when he saw the two of us. I left his engagement ring on the table and walked out. Hazel and I agreed we would both drop Ernie, but she changed her mind and married him. Of course, he is still sneaking around. If she doesn’t know it, she will find out soon enough.

“Crossroads” should dump the guy. Liars don’t change. - Maine

Dear Maine: Since you’ve been there and done that, your input should carry a lot of weight. Here’s another slice of real life:

Dear Ann Landers: This is for the woman who was engaged to a man who became involved with another woman. Her question was “Will he stop cheating?” You said a man who cheats on his fiancee will probably cheat on his wife.

As a pastor, I have talked to many women whose fiances and husbands were unfaithful. Your answer was correct. I would go even further. Women ask me why chronic and serial male cheaters do this. Men who cheat are often addicted to the heady experience of having more than one woman, and they don’t WANT to stop. The world is filled with lonely women, hungering for love. There are also a great many men who enjoy the excitement of a conquest.

It is easy for me to sit here and say women are better off without predators in their lives, but often, the emptiness is so painful, they are willing to settle for a cheater. These women should not fool themselves into believing the cheater will change. He won’t. - Ashley, Mich.

Dear Ashley: Keep reading for another perspective:

Dear Ann Landers: “His Wife in Maryland” had a solution to the problem of infidelity - a common one - blame the Other Woman. This scenario is played out frequently on daytime talk shows. The wronged wife tears her hair and screams at the Other Woman. The husband sits there like the moron that he is and says absolutely nothing while they fight over him.

I find this extremely troublesome. These cheated-on wives should stop blaming the Other Woman. She is not the problem. She is the symptom of a troubled marriage. If a husband is having an affair, the wife should look at herself and her husband and find out what went wrong in their marriage. The best way to do this is by talking to a marriage counselor. - Voice of Experience

Dear Voice: I hear you loud and clear. I hope others will, too. You make a lot of sense.