Heart Attack Heals Rift For Father And Son

Doug Burr feared his father enough to throw a hammer at him once.

“There wasn’t so much abuse as the threat of it,” says Doug, who teaches reading at North Idaho College. “He was quick to anger, dictatorial, unpleasant.”

And unforgiving. Everything Doug isn’t, which is why it took 20 years for a wary relationship to flourish into a bond between the two men. Luckily, grandparenthood was important to both.

“I wrote Dad off, avoided him, wouldn’t talk to him,” Doug says. “I was mad that he wasn’t there when I was young and that he wanted me when he needed someone to work for him.”

Doug was 2 in 1957 when his parents divorced. He was a teenager before he saw his father again.

The year he lived with John Burr in Oregon “was a debacle,” Doug says. He returned surly and rebellious to his mother in Spokane. She sent him back.

Doug grudgingly worked for his demanding father in his upholstery business until the tension drove him back to his mother. After that, he shut out John Burr for 10 years.

The silence ended with the births of Doug’s children. He couldn’t deprive them of their grandfather.

“Dad wanted an opening,” Doug says. “It was the most mature decision I’ve made in my life. He was a terrific grandpa.”

The barrier between father and son thinned as John Burr showered Doug’s children with attention and affection. Doug finally told John he’d been an awful father; John accepted the criticism.

The relationship grew clumsily. John stayed reserved with his son. Doug craved an emotional reunion. He didn’t recognize the bond that had grown until John nearly died in Seattle last fall.

John survived a heart attack and triple bypass surgery. But the deadly infection that followed hampered his recovery chances.

Doug heard bad news for six weeks. He drove to Seattle the day his father was expected to die.

“This guy, for good or ill, is my father. We hadn’t had a proper reconciliation,” he says. “I was panicked.”

John miraculously beat the infection. He appreciated Doug’s attention, but he and his son never had the climactic reunion of Doug’s dreams. It’s not important to Doug anymore.

“I wanted him to want of us what I wanted,” Doug says. “But he’s not a ‘90s guy. At some point, you reach the point where you’re satisfied with what you have and thankful for it regardless of how it compares.”

Reach out and touch

Romania not only was hard to pronounce, it was hard to find on a map for Cindy Ingall’s Campfire Boys and Girls at Coeur d’Alene’s Ramsey Elementary. Still, they were transfixed and eager to help when Cindy told them about Romanian orphans.

The nine children created a flier listing items the orphans need - diapers, toothbrushes, shampoo, etc. Bill Ellefloot, who owns Coeur d’Alene’s Insty-Prints, printed 250 fliers at no charge.

The kids distributed them at Tidyman’s and collected enough donations in one day to fill the back of Cindy’s station wagon. They also wrote letters and drew pictures to send the orphans.

Cindy delivered the loot to organizers in Spokane who took it to Romania in November. It’s not too late to follow their example.

Hazardous duty

OK, I admit years ago I chased a snowplow, cursing in its wake after the driver buried the driveway I’d just cleared. But, I’ve repented in my old age. Plow drivers are human, too. Besides, I’d rather shovel just my driveway than the entire street.

What do you think goes through snowplow operators’ minds as they free our streets? S’no place like North Idaho? Make a statement for Cynthia Taggart, “Close to Home,” 608 Northwest Blvd., Suite 200, Coeur d’Alene 83814; fax to 765-7149; call 765-7128; or E-mail to cynthiat@spokesman.com.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Color photo