It’s Important To Deal With Money Together
“Roger and I knew immediately that we were meant for each other,” recalls Irena, 28, though at the time she was in no hurry to marry. She was still reeling from an abusive first marriage that left her with a young son and a deep distrust of men in general. “But there was something about Roger,” she muses. “He exuded a quiet, sexy confidence that made me want to do whatever he suggested.” He reminded Irena of her father, a wealthy, successful businessman whom she idolized, though she saw him rarely.
Once they were married, small disagreements - mostly over money - began to chip away at a seemingly solid relationship, and the man she thought was in complete control of his life began to make one irresponsible decision after another. First, he quit his job with a prominent engineering firm. Then after cashing in their tickets for a Mediterranean cruise that her father had given them as a wedding present, he bought a soft-drink company with a partner who turned out to be totally unscrupulous. When the company went bankrupt, and Roger’s partner skipped town, Irena’s father graciously offered him a job - which he declined, much to her distress, since she was by this time eight months’ pregnant.
For months, Irena claims, her new husband sat around their tiny apartment, barely glancing through the want ads. By the time Roger found a job with a real estate company, Irena admitted she’d turned into a shrew. “He says I’m a nag and that I don’t support him, and I suppose that’s true,” she concedes. “But Roger’s childishness is maddening and I’m too worried about the future to be loving. He’s barely said one word about his new job.”
When Irena looks back on her first marriage, she knows she and Roger have something worth saving. But until they can stop arguing over money, she’s not sure how - or if - they can.
Roger, now 31, has one wish: That his wife would start to show a little confidence in him again. “I’m tired of being compared to my father-in-law every day,” he sighs. “I have a good job that I really enjoy. I’m working hard and I honestly believe I’m going to make a go of it - but even that doesn’t make her happy. She didn’t congratulate me when I landed this position, and she hasn’t asked one question about my work since the day I started.”
Roger knows he’s made mistakes - but he’s trying hard to figure out what he wants to do and make it a success. The last thing he needs is a wife who won’t accept him, who dwells on his mistakes, and who refuses to accept their current financial situation for what it is.
The Bottom Line on The Bottom Line
“For most couples, clashes over money are as common as clashes over sex - and at least as difficult to talk about,” notes Paul Moschetta, a marriage counselor in New York City and Huntington, Long Island.
The key is to learn to appreciate your differences - and compromise - as well as to figure out if your arguments are really about money or some other issue. The following advice helped Roger and Irena put their financial house in order - the first step toward creating common goals and working together to achieve them.
Think about your money history. What does money mean to you and what role did it play in your life? Do you tend to be a spender or a saver? Do you believe that having money is one estimate of your self-worth, so you work long and hard to amass it?
Turn your differences into strengths. Money-anxious people may envy a spender’s ability to enjoy life, while spenders may admire the money-anxious person’s discipline. Instead of forcing a partner to be like you, talk about how you can learn from each other and find a middle ground.
Have regular money meetings. Most couples fall into set money roles early on; each does his or her job and rarely communicates with the other. Instead, set aside time to figure out together what exactly is causing your problem.
Put your money goals in writing. You may be dreaming about remodeling the kitchen, but he may be thinking that those funds would make a terrific nest egg for your retirement. Chances are you can find a middle ground so that, at some point, you each get what you want.
If money conflicts are neverending, see a professional counselor. Your squabbles may be masking deeper issues that need to be addressed.