Too Many Could Be Hurt By Truth

Dear Ann Landers: Over 30 years ago, when I was divorced, I became pregnant by a married man. I will call him “Ben.” My ex-husband and I then remarried. He always believed this child was his, and he raised her.

I remained in contact with Ben through the years. His wife never knew about us, but when they divorced a few years ago, I also filed for divorce. Ben and I started seeing each other openly, and we were married within the year.

I would like my adult daughter to know who her real father is. Should I take the chance? Will she lose respect for me, even though my former husband isn’t really in the picture anymore?

I don’t want our reputations ruined, nor do I want Ben’s children to know their father cheated on their mother. I would, however, like them to know they have a half-sibling. What is your advice? - No Rest in Nashville

Dear Nashville: If you think you have “no rest” now, just go ahead and tell the family that the man they believe to be your daughter’s father is not her father at all. Too many people would be hurt by your confession. I don’t recommend it.

Dear Ann Landers: Thank you for regularly warning your readers about the health risks associated with smoking. The popular press has christened cigar smoking the newest chic trend, with cigars synonymous with affluence, success and urban sophistication. Here are some eye-opening facts regarding this supposedly glamorous habit:

More than 58,000 new cases of oral cancer were diagnosed in 1996, and 9,000 deaths were recorded. Since 1987, more women have died each year from lung cancer than from breast cancer.

This is why health-care providers - including members of the American Association of Oral and Maxillofacial Surgeons - continue to encourage people to avoid tobacco in all forms. We are discouraged when we see celebrities lighting their stogies in magazines and full-page newspaper ads. I hope Claudia Schiffer, Danny DeVito and other celebrities who appear in photos promoting cigar smoking will ask themselves, “Is it worth leading young fans down that hazardous path?” For those who are determined to continue smoking cigars or can’t seem to quit, here are some guidelines:

Limit smoking to special occasions.

Hold the cigar between the teeth, rather than between the gums and lips.

Smoke smaller cigars. (Large cigars carry nicotine equal to four or five cigarettes.) Don’t inhale.

Put cigars in ashtrays or hold them in your hands when not actively smoking.

Conduct monthly self-examinations for lumps or any irregularities.

See a dental professional for a semi-annual checkup.

Your readers can order a free oral selfexamination instruction card and oral cancer patient information pamphlet by calling AAOMS at 1-800-467-5268 (www.aaoms.org). Thanks, Ann, for providing this public service. - Mary A. Delsol, D.D.S.

Dear Dr. Delsol: I am printing your letter with information on how to minimize the risk of cigar smoking for those who are already hooked, but this does not in any way, shape or form serve as a green light for the uninitiated to start.

Cigar smokers often say they don’t fear lung cancer because they don’t inhale. This may be true, but they risk cancer of the lip, mouth and tongue, which can be a hideous affliction. Also, cigars foul the breath and stain the teeth. As one woman wrote, “It’s like kissing a spittoon.” Enough said.