Ask For An Amendment For This Event
Dear Miss Manners: Mine is one of those pseudoprofessional-pseudosocial dilemmas: What to do when one’s spouse is specifically uninvited to an after-hours dinner party during a week-long technical conference.
The rule is to invite spouses who had traveled more than 20 miles. Those who reside within a 20-mile radius of the conference were taboo.
After explaining this in public, the leader of the conference asked if anyone would not be able to attend the dinner. I raised my hand and stated, “I will not attend.”
I have received arch looks and patronizing comments from my colleagues, and I know this will affect my image as a “team player.”
My wife thinks I should go without her. So far, I have stood fast.
Should I attempt to negotiate protocols with an offer to pay for her even though my corporation can certainly afford the check?
Gentle Reader: As you point out, the area of pseudosocial-pseudobusiness entertaining is murky. Miss Manners, therefore, does not consider it to be safe ground on which to take a firm stand.
She can imagine, for example, that for every spouse who feels excluded, there is one who says, “Oh, for heaven’s sake, do I have to go? It’s your conference, not mine. Don’t you know how much I have to do?”
Presumably the geographical rule was to recognize that spouses who travel to the conference have already taken time off from their own activities, and that being left in a hotel room is not the same thing as having a free evening on one’s own turf.
You could have politely inquired if the rule could be amended to admit those spouses who are interested in attending, so long as you acknowledge that this should not be construed to put pressure on those who don’t.
But to treat the rule as a slur on your wife - who strikes Miss Manners as sensible for realizing that it is not - is to suggest that you prefer to defy rules you don’t like rather than work in a spirit of goodwill to change them.
Dear Miss Manners: I have no problem with second marriages. My personal opinion is that second weddings should be kept informal for the most part, especially when both partners have been married before and have children.
But I felt annoyed at even receiving an invitation from a distant relative. It is the second marriage for both of them. From all appearances, their wedding is going to be a lavish affair. We are not close, and it appears to be a blatant effort to receive a gift. There was a card informing all of us gift-givers where they are registered. How many toasters do two grown adults need?
This same relative pulled one over on us before. Her first attempt at matrimony was to elope then hide it so that she could have a “real” wedding a year later. This was discovered prior to the ceremony, but the invitations included (yes, you guessed it) registry information.
Am I off base? I know that each marriage has its own set of circumstances, but trust me, there are more eyebrows raised than just mine.
Gentle Reader: Although Miss Manners shares your predilection for tastefully understated second weddings, she is more lenient than you about indulging the desire to go all-out to celebrate. (Not to celebrate by asking others to buy them toasters, mind you; just to celebrate.)
Perhaps her greater tolerance comes from knowing that there is an easy solution for those whose eyebrows or hackles are raised by being invited: Decline.
You have to wish them well, but you don’t have to send them anything on two grounds - presents are less traditionally associated with second weddings than with first ones, and people who decline, especially because they don’t care about the couple, need not feel moved to give something.
The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate