Make Other Child Care Arrangements

Dear Ann Landers: For the past two years, my husband and I have been having serious problems. We were separated for a year but agreed to try one more time. Last month, we went to a weekend retreat sponsored by our church. All the couples renewed their wedding vows, except “Stan” and me. He said it was stupid and refused to participate. When we returned home, Stan told me he was moving out.

The following weekend, my father saw Stan parked near our home, necking in the car with a young woman. Our 3-year-old daughter was in the back seat. Since then, several friends have told me they have seen him around town with this woman.

Here’s the problem. When I work the graveyard shift, our 3-year-old stays with Stan. He lets his girlfriend sleep over while my daughter is there. He says a 3-year-old is too young to understand anything. I’m not sure I agree with him. At any rate, I don’t want our daughter subjected to this sort of thing. We live in a small town, and now, I see Stan and his girlfriend all the time, which is very hard on me. How can I deal with all this stress? - Upset in Idaho

Dear Idaho: Ask Stan to go with you for joint counseling as a last-ditch effort to save your marriage. If he refuses, let him know you are filing for a legal separation, and do it. The court will then set visitation rules. In the meantime, try to find someone else to take care of your daughter while you are working.

Dear Ann Landers: I wonder if I have fallen victim to an eating disorder. I’m an average guy in my 30s, and I eat a low-fat diet all week and work out every day. I consider myself a fitness buff. But once Saturday comes, I eat every fattening thing the planet has to offer. I spend most Saturdays preparing gourmet meals with tons of butter, cream and other delectable flavors that I don’t get all week. I love to create desserts that most pastry chefs would envy.

I eat normal portions of burgers, pasta dishes and desserts until Monday morning, when I start that low-fat diet again. I thought this was eating “in moderation,” but many people tell me it’s not. I don’t think I’m obsessed, but I admit that by Wednesday, I’m reading a cookbook, dreaming of Saturday when the pancakes will ooze butter and syrup.

I am in great shape and feel I am not harming myself. What do you think, Ann? - Normal in New York

Dear N.Y.: You say you are a physical fitness buff and in great shape, but you pig out on weekends. The real key to whether or not you are harming yourself can be determined by checking your blood pressure and cholesterol levels and getting on your bathroom scale. If all are within normal limits, I’d say you are OK, but you do tend to be a bit compulsive, so watch it.

Dear Ann Landers: Our 38-year-old son is living with a 32-year-old woman, who has still not been legally divorced from her husband. She has four children and is expecting a baby soon. Our son says it is his.

We are making the best of all this and hold no ill will, but I’m having trouble feeling like a grandmother. We are not rich people, Ann. What is expected of us on holidays regarding gifts? We have four legitimate grandchildren, and this new relationship means five more, so I need your help. - Gary, Ind.

Dear Gary: It would be most generous if you could treat them all the same. Easy to do? Of course not, but it always pays to take the high road. You’ll be glad you did.