Dad’s Death Is Expecially Hard For Men
I recently asked male readers for advice on coping with the death of a father, and some excellent counsel arrived, some of which I list below. Before that, however, I want to alert you to an extraordinary new book for men who face what Sigmund Freud called “the most important event, the most poignant loss, of a man’s life.”
The book is called “On the Death of My Father: A Psychoanalyst’s Memoir” (Edwin Mellen Press, $79.95). It’s targeted to a professional audience hence, the hefty price tag but it’s smoothly written and accessible to any reader who values his emotional life.
The book’s author (who remains anonymous so he can reveal some dark secrets) takes readers on a psychological tour of the seconds, hours, days and months after learning of his father’s death at age 72.
Here, for example, is how he describes the first time he saw his father dead. He had learned about his dad’s fatal heart attack several hours earlier, but the news seemed unreal until he stood over his father’s body at the hospital.
For a few moments, he recalls, he felt nothing. Then, “I heard a spontaneous animal sound inside my head, something like an agonizing shriek, and then I felt an anguish that was sharper than any pain I have ever had. I experienced an overwhelming sense of being alone and frightened. I pictured myself as a little boy screaming and crying, as I was being forcibly torn from my father, knowing I’d never see him again.
“I then reached for my father’s arm and touched it. I did not want to let go.”
Eventually, he is able to let go, literally and figuratively. The months immediately after the death, however, are marked by struggle. He forsakes his religion, becomes distant from his wife and young children, considers having an affair, and loses passion for his work.
Finally, he comes to the heart of the letting-go process: a re-examination of his lifelong relationship with his father. Through this, he ultimately discovers how disappointed he is with a father who did not offer him unconditional love - and, also, how important it is for him to forgive.
He concludes: “I realize that, like me, my father was doing the best he could, given his resources. I also realize that in his way … he wanted the best for me.”
The author offers a few practical steps for recovering from the loss of a father, and several readers sent in ideas as well. The consensus:
1. Participate in some kind of ritual to mark the death, whether it’s community prayer, ash-scattering or something else (the Jewish culture has “shiva,” where the bereaved stay home and receive guests for seven days). Even if tears do not accompany these rituals, they often help with the transition to fatherlessness.
2. Continue to “talk” to your father. One reader wrote of going to his father’s grave once a month, and telling his father how he was coping with his death.
3. Let him live in you. One reader said he saved the last bottle of his father’s after-shave, which he opens when he needs a “whiff” of the older man. Another man wrote that when he speaks of things he learned from his father, he always identifies the source.
4. Expect to be changed. The effects of such a death are different for every man. Sometimes the death is followed by subtle shifts in thinking or behavior; other times, life-altering changes. Nearly all the respondents said that accepting the immensity of the loss - whether the father was beloved or not - is crucial to moving on with one’s life.
Mention: A survey of 508 American men found that 46 percent believe it’s harder to succeed in today’s world than it was for their fathers; 36 percent said it’s easier, while the rest said it’s the same.
Source: Opinion Research Corp., 1993
Male call: What was your reaction to your father’s death? Send responses to VoiceMale, P.O. Box 8071, Lexington, Ky. 40533-8071, or to e-mail address nchetaol.com.
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The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Neil Chethik Universal Press Syndicate