It Matters How One Does It, Too

Dear Miss Manners: I will be moving to a new condo and am thinking of having a housewarming party. My mother says it is not proper to throw your own party in which you ask for gifts; someone should throw one for you.

All of my friends, who have held their own parties, say that is ridiculous. It is your house, your color scheme and your friends. How can another friend hold a party for you at your own house?

I have decided to solve this by holding my housewarming party at my house with a friend. In this way, we will both be giving it.

Gentle Reader: Technically, Miss Manners has to be on your side. It is perfectly true that a housewarming party is given by the person who lives there.

But you have given her little tip-offs that she really does not want to be on your side. The part about the color scheme, for example.

The reason that it is proper for people to give their own housewarming parties is that they are not supposed to be expecting presents, or at least presents in their color schemes. The traditional present for such an occasion is - you’re going to love this - bread and salt.

Anything else should be a pleasant surprise, gratefully and gracefully accepted, even if you don’t like it.

So if your invitations contained any hint that offerings were anticipated, Miss Manners would scurry over to your mother’s side. That lady is right that you are not supposed to be giving a party - or doing anything else - to ask for gifts. You are supposed to be motivated solely by the desire to welcome your friends to your new address for the purpose of offering them hospitality.

Dear Miss Manners: I told a friend I would meet her at a church function, and on the day of the function I altered my plans by walking to my friend’s office tower to meet her after work. I called and said I would have coffee in a restaurant across the street until her quitting time.

She never appeared, so I went to her building and an attendant advised me (on her instructions) that she had left without me.

My friend says the snafu occurred because I did not specify that I would be waiting in the restaurant. However, there was no other reason for me to be in the restaurant and, if the situation were reversed, I can’t imagine not crossing the street if I thought someone might be waiting for me there.

I didn’t feel entitled to loiter in her building’s lobby for an hour, and she must have known I planned to meet her by virtue of the instructions she left with the lobby attendant.

Should I feel snubbed?

Gentle Reader: Miss Manners would have an easier time choosing between Snafu and Snub had you told her what message you left, and whether you gave it directly to your friend or left it with someone else or on something else.

Nevertheless, she has been trying to reconstruct your version of what happened, and your friend’s.

Your friend’s Snafu version is: She changed the plans, and I didn’t know where to meet her, so I went on ahead.

Your Snub version is: She knew perfectly well where I was waiting and decided to punish me by leaving me there.

Admittedly, Miss Manners has a weakness for thinking the best of others. But she is hard put to imagine someone’s making such an effort to deliver an insult to a friend with whom she makes appointments.

And she believes you would be better off if you had a harder time imagining such scenarios, as well.

xxxx

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate