He Is Ruining My Whole Life
“I fell in love with Dennis because he seemed so wise and mature,” says Paula, 27, a recent law school graduate who just began working for a federal agency. “I didn’t think the 20-year difference in our ages would matter, since we had so much in common. But now the differences between us seem glaring,” she says, her eyes filling with tears, her voice barely concealing her anger.
Paula met Dennis, a divorced father of two teenagers, when he spoke at a symposium at her law school. But the man she first thought of as stable and dependable has turned out to be self-centered and domineering, Paula complains.
Lately, their most volatile arguments revolve around her new job. “I work 14-hour days and do a great deal of traveling throughout the Western states,” Paula explains. “We live in Seattle, but my boss wants me to relocate to our main office in San Diego - and Dennis refuses to go.” When she told him she would then rent a studio apartment and commute home on weekends, “Dennis hit the roof.”
Paula’s career is only one battleground. Paula has struggled for years to find her own voice. “My parents had six kids in eight years - I was the oldest - and they often left me alone for entire weekends caring for my siblings.” School was her salvation. A straight-A student and champion debater, she worked her way through college and law school.
When she married Dennis, she harbored no illusions that her husband’s friends would immediately welcome her, but she was unprepared for their coldness. “Clearly, his friend’s wives regard me as a threat. They don’t want their husbands to get any ideas about younger women.”
The problem is, Dennis doesn’t fit into her age group, either, and he resents it if she squeezes in a weekend lunch date with friends. “He just sulks until I invite him, too.”
Dennis, 47, a successful research engineer, thinks his wife is acting like a spoiled brat. Part of the problem, he believes, is that she’s overworked, that she pushes herself too hard through days that are too long and even weekends.
He bristles when Paula blames him for running and ruining her life. “I refuse to be ordered around. I’m not about to give up my job, as well the opportunity to be near my children, so she can work even harder at a job that won’t even allow us time to have a marriage,” he states, saying he wants what’s best for both of them.
Blaming your partner tears your marriage apart
“Despite her pejorative manner and her youthful successes, Paula is actually quite insecure,” notes Susan Prescott, a marriage counselor in King County, Wash. “She not only displaces a lot of her legitimate anger against her parents onto her husband, her fury is out of proportion to Dennis’ actual behavior.” When this happens, it’s common for a partner to respond by becoming rigid and adopting a do-as-I-say attitude.
Having someone to blame is reassuring: It shifts the focus from the deed to the doer. If you put someone else in the wrong, your self-esteem remains intact. But your marriage, or any relationship, won’t last long.
Could blame be preventing you from achieving a satisfying, emotionally healthy relationship? Then, like Paula and Dennis, you must:
1. Force yourself to stop believing your partner is inherently flawed in some unchangeable way. That’s guaranteed to block communication and progress.
2. Really talk about your grievances - without carping, sniping, contempt or thoughtless remarks.
3. Own up to your part in the problem. Blame is a smoke screen, obscuring the true nature of many problems. As long as you’re busy blaming someone else, you’re off the hook. But you’re also out of control.
4. Make a conscious decision to change your blaming ways. Once you recognize what you’re doing, remember to apologize, admit you were wrong and resolve to do things differently.
5. Learn to listen to each other as equals, not as a parent or a boss. Dennis learned not to see every complaint as an attack, but rather to listen for the main message behind what Paula says. Paula has learned not to assume that Dennis’ comments and actions are automatic attempts to thwart her goals but rather because he loves her and wants to save their once-happy marriage.
Most importantly, these two have learned to compromise.