Family Plan Gets Complex In The ‘90s
Should we have a second child?
Just a generation ago, few couples asked themselves this question. They just did it. Back then, parents felt an almost patriotic duty to reproduce. In addition, it was considered virtual child abuse to raise a boy or girl without a sibling.
Today, however, not so fast.
As couples delay marriage, as both partners build careers outside the home, as long-term economic security wanes, and as the earth strains to accommodate the billions of people already feeding upon it, many couples are struggling mightily with the second-child decision.
These days, my wife and I are among them.
Kelly and I are strongly pulled toward the idea of having another baby. Our lives have been wonderfully transformed by the arrival of our first child, Evan, two years ago. He reminds us daily that family is the foundation of a fulfilling life. It seems only natural to try to add to what we have.
We also want Evan to experience having a sibling. Kelly and I have five brothers and sisters between us. As children, of course, we fought and competed with them, but now, especially, we look to them for comfort, advice and understanding. We’d love Evan to have such companions in his life.
Yet as I approach my 39th birthday, and Kelly nears her 37th, certain practical considerations have crept into our decision-making process.
The first of these is time. Having another kid means raising another kid. While Kelly and I accept the notion that it takes a village to raise a child, we also believe it takes two dedicated parents.
We don’t like the idea of dropping off our child at day care early every morning and picking him or her up at dusk. We’ve managed to avoid that with Evan, but in order to do the same with a second child, one of us would have to reduce the time we spend at our jobs.
The conflict arises because we’re lucky enough to enjoy our work. For both of us (Kelly’s a minister), our jobs express who we are in ways that raising a child does not.
And, of course, we need the money. Just bringing a healthy child into the world requires thousands of dollars in doctor and other bills. And unlike previous generations, one average income no longer provides a comfortable living for a family of four.
Even if both of us continued working at our current rate (a combined total of 65 hours a week), our “nonessential spending” - such as dinners out, plane tickets and retirement savings - would have to be drastically cut.
And who’s to say we’d have a healthy baby? At our ages, the rate of infant deformities increases dramatically, as do the fears that go with it.
Asking friends for advice has not settled the question.
One friend who hated being an only child insisted that we had no choice but to reproduce again. On the other hand, an exhausted mother of two told us she loves her second child - but wishes she could regain her one-child way of life. And an environmentally conscious father told me stopping at one child was his contribution to the long-term health of the planet.
Given all this, Kelly and I can perhaps be forgiven for a certain paralysis. By opening up to the possibility of a second child, we’ve been forced to examine not only parenthood, but every other aspect of our lives.
Mention: In 1950, married couples in the U.S. had an average of three children; by 1993, that average had dropped to two. During the same time period, the world’s population grew from 2.5 billion to 5.5 billion.
Source: U.S. Census Bureau
The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Neil Chethik Universal Press Syndicate