Sharma’s Guide To Real Life Who Needs These Silly ‘Survival Guides’?

Teenage boys must not need self-help books. I have yet to walk into a book store and see a brightly colored cover with a protruding headline screaming, “Discovering Our Male Self: A Guide to Surviving Those Strenuous Teenage Years.”

But books concerning the teenage female streak across the shelves, promising “hip” clothing techniques, improved academics, a higher degree of popularity and a glowing bod. Obviously, society holds female teens and male teens on quite a different emotional level.

Maybe it’s because guys don’t walk around mumbling, “I wish I had his calf muscles” or “Do you think my pecs look a little out of shape? They look flabby to me.” Whatever the reason, authors don’t seem to focus as carefully on my generation’s men. We girls, however, are a different matter. Apparently, from all the books written for us lately, we need a lot of help.

So, out of curiosity, I thumbed through a couple of them; one entitled “Finding Our Way: The Teen Girl’s Survival Guide,” by Allison Abner and Linda Villarosa, and the other dubbed “Real Gorgeous: The Truth About Body and Beauty,” by Kaz-Cooke.

Personally, the latter flamed my interest a little brighter than the first. I don’t actually think either of them said anything incredibly profound, but “Real Gorgeous” contained more interesting facts (did you know one of every 10 girls has inverted nipples?). “Real Gorgeous” also offers enthralling make-up tips such as “Bust Firming” and comical illustrations such as a diagram of the hairy leg.

Both of the books attempt to fill youthful readers with a sense of self-appreciation. “Finding Our Way” delves more into the mental aspects of a girl’s life, such as depression, drug-using, abuse and sexuality. “Real Gorgeous” adheres to the “being happy with one’s individuality” and the “everyone is beautiful” cliches.

Personally, I think they both sucked. I’ve heard every word in both books repeated at least 99 times throughout grade school, junior high and high school (with the exception of the inverted nipples fact). Perhaps I’ve been spoiled with the wonders of Sexual Education, but these teenage-female-focused manuals offered no new insight to a young girl’s life (kind of like a “Seventeen” magazine, only without the horoscopes).

So, in honor of my sexual orientation and youthful disposition, I offer my own gold nuggets of wisdom. Since being inspired by such marvelous pieces of literature, I now present to you:

Sharma’s Guide To Perfecting The Teenage Woman: the Eye-Opening Top Five (which happen to be the only ones I could think of) Ways to Improve One’s Young Self.

5. Wherever you go, whatever time of the month, always pack extra feminine-hygiene products. Whatever can go wrong, will.

4. Do not stuff your bra before P.E. classes - I once saw Kleenex fall from a girl’s shirt while she participated in a round of jumping jacks.

3. Always smooth down your skirt as soon as you stand up. A few weeks ago, I mooned an entire Washington D.C. mall for about 10 minutes (my skirt was caught on my backpack). Once a considerate woman finally told me of my exposed buttocks, I realized why everyone seemed to smile at me so brightly.

2. When you have to go to the bathroom in the wilderness, make sure you’re carefully concealed from other’s views (girls can’t escape as rapidly as a guy can). Don’t use leaves with nettles.

1. Don’t buy a stupid teenage-girl-self-help book. Instead, concentrate on how you can help someone else. Aiding others honestly increases how you feel about yourself.

Okay, that was pretty cheesy and cliched, but it makes more sense than inverted nipples, and it can be applied to both guys and gals.