Garage-Sale Suggestions Free For The Lot

Nothing brings out the beast in you quite like bargain-hunting on your neighbors’ front lawns.

After a recent garage sale that netted only 29 bucks and a blister on her pinky toe, my sister remarked that garage salers could use a primer on proper behavior

“Things like: Don’t park in the driveway. Don’t walk through the grass without asking,” she said, revealing her suburban address with such ultrapolite suggestions. A proud city dweller like myself more likely would recommend: “Leave your ammo at home.”

So with humble apologies to Miss Manners, I offer a kinder, gentler approach to this summertime tradition: “The No-Manners Guide to Garage Sale Etiquette.”

It’s considered bad manners to hold one’s nose or make gagging noises while rummaging through the sale items of one’s host.

Ditto for pointing and laughing hysterically. That black velvet portrait of Elvis in matador pose may once have held great sentimental value.

It’s quite rude to ask the sellers to keep an eye on your youngsters while you browse at a larger garage sale down the street. Suggesting they feed them lunch while they’re at it is completely out of the question.

Foreign currency will be frowned upon.

Cranky children are not considered legal tender.

Do not under any circumstances inquire about layaway. (This ain’t Sears, pal.)

It is unseemly to engage in a wrestling match with fellow customers over a 75-cent electric can opener with a frayed cord. Should you ignore this advice and succumb to your baser instincts, do not be surprised if you all wind up on “Hard Copy.”

Refrain from asking the seller’s child who’s offering 25-cent lemonade if she’ll take 10 cents for half a cup. Remember: The youth of today will manage your nursing home tomorrow.

Parking in the front yard will not win you friends and could result in the accidental sale of your vehicle.

Do not spend an hour carrying around an armful of items as if you intend to purchase them, only to leave empty-handed, saying, “You know, I was really looking for pre-Colombian art.”

Do not be disappointed if the sellers refuse to barter their discards for your taxidermy services.

It is unkind to make disparaging remarks such as, “What a bunch of junk!” or “Who do ya s’pose lives here, the Addams Family?”

Tired jokes such as “You advertised a garage sale, so how much are you asking for the garage, yuk yuk?!” will not produce howls of laughter from sellers who’ve stayed up all night pricing Barbie accessories and mismatched drinking glasses. Save the stand-up routine for a more appreciative audience, such as persons in line to sell plasma.

Should you discover unmarked items, point out this dilemma gently to the seller. Do not yell, “Whaddaya think this is, the Psychic Fair? Put a price on this piece of junk!”

Please don’t eat the daisies.

Make it clear to your dear little ones that a garage sale is not Leaps and Bounds. Quietly explain that the phrase “Tumble Table” is not meant to be taken literally.

Never attempt to ask for your money back on that 1,000-piece puzzle you bought from the same sale last year on the grounds that it contained only 999 pieces. This rule is particularly important if you suspect the sellers may be gun owners.

If the sale includes a bridal gown, engagement ring and numerous small appliances still in original boxes, don’t ask.

And no, you cannot use the bathroom. Don’t even think about it.