My Husband Thinks Counseling Is A Waste

“How can a man who’s been a workaholic for the 20 years we’ve been married suddenly give it all up?” wonders Molly, 40, who met Jim when he was an Army recruit at the base where she was working in the PX. “Our life was wonderful,” Molly recalls wistfully, “but clearly I missed some very important signals.” Molly feels like nothing makes sense anymore.

After they married, Jim began his own collection agency, with a financial boost from Molly’s father. Working only with a secretary, Jim soon created a flourishing enterprise. Molly gave birth to a son and a daughter and, for the next 15 years, immersed herself in motherhood, community affairs and the PTA. “Our sex life was great, and Jim seemed perfectly happy, though he did bring a lot of work home on weekends. Still, I didn’t have a clue anything was wrong!”

But one Monday morning, Jim didn’t dash into the office as usual, saying, instead, he needed a day off. Molly thought nothing of it, until one day turned into a week. “I suggested I go into the office to help him with the paper work that must be piling up, and he blew up at me. I’ve never seen him so mad.”

That was six months ago. Jim goes to work, but only occasionally and only to service old clients, not drum up any new business. Molly is scared, puzzled and angry. “I’ve tried talking to Jim, but I can’t get the words out. How could he just drop out without worrying about our financial future?” Molly is beginning to think it’s time for her to take the children and forge a new life.

Jim, 40, says he feels like a world-class heel. “All I know is that, while the rational part of me says to get back to work, another part tells me I’ve been buried alive for 20 years.” Jim hates his work, he states bluntly, and has felt that way for a long time. “Oh, I’m good at it, all right. But this is not a fulfilling or stimulating way to spend your life,” Jim adds.

Year after year, he gave himself pep talks, telling himself he should be grateful for all he has. Deep down, he’s miserable. “I love Molly and the kids and I don’t want to lose them - but I’ve lost myself somewhere along the way.” Jim wants to save his marriage - and himself, too.

“I didn’t want to come for counseling - I’ve never felt comfortable talking to a total stranger about my fears and problems. Besides,” he adds, “how can therapy really help? I know intellectually I have to change, but emotionally I’m stuck.”

How to benefit from a therapy session

“These two have become so caught up in the daily details of their lives that they had stopped talking about their dreams and hopes for the future,” says Robert L. Barker, a Washington, D.C., marriage counselor. However, Jim and Molly should be reassured that, while Jim’s behavior is extreme, and his energy is being sapped by depression, his search for fulfillment is neither bizarre nor uncommon. As Molly learned, one partner’s problem quickly becomes a marital problem, often best resolved by bouncing it off a professional counselor.

Are you considering marital counseling but, like Jim, less than sure it will help? Here, some suggestions to help you help yourself:

Make a real commitment to work for your marriage. Counseling will only be successful if a couple agree that resolving their differences is their top priority.

Don’t expect to change a partner who has no interest in changing. You can only change your own part of a bad relationship. But you can learn to negotiate and compromise. In fact, mastering the intricacies of compromise is the essence of adult life, the secret to workable relationships in every arena.

Don’t be defensive. For counseling to work, you must set aside your ego and admit you may have been wrong.

Stop trying to be right. People who have the most trouble in counseling point fingers and expect to win an argument. Instead, take a look at your role in the marital drama.

Focus on what you’ve gained in counseling. You’ll feel more empowered to make the necessary changes in your life and marriage.

In six months in counseling, Molly and Jim discovered many avenues each wanted to pursue. Molly is working at Jim’s office and is a terrific collector. Jim has gained more time to concentrate on bringing in new business, which he enjoys, as well as weekend camping trips with the kids.