The Big 1-0-0 Even Without Centennial Shows, Comedian George Burns’ Lifetime Of One-Liners Still Brings Laughs
George Burns has triumphed in vaudeville, radio, movies, television, music, nightclubs and books. Now he faces what may be his greatest achievement: his 100th birthday.
It doesn’t happen until Saturday, but Burns’ centennial will be celebrated tonight with a gala salute to his remarkable life and his contributions to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, sponsor of the event.
At the dinner, Burns won’t mutter his sly, self-deprecating jokes or sing those rapid-fire ragtime tunes nobody else can remember. He’s not as sharp as he was during his headlining days in Vegas. But then, what do you expect at 100?
Though his joke-telling days are over, his legacy is as brilliant as the one-liners that endeared him to generations.
This is a good month for Burns.
His 10th book, “A Hundred Years - A Hundred Stories,” will be in bookstores. It’s a collection of his favorite stories about famous friends.
Burns always has delighted in tweaking those he loved the most. He once told a story about Jack Benny, his closest friend.
Benny could make the world laugh, and Burns was one of the few people who could make Benny laugh:
“Louis B. Mayer once introduced Jeanette MacDonald at a dinner party and she sang ‘Indian Love Call’; she was just a young starlet.”
After dinner, Burns and Gracie sat with Jack and Mary Livingston.
“I leaned over and said to Jack, ‘When this charming girl sings that song, if you’re going to start to laugh, it’s going to be very rude.’
“She no sooner opened her mouth, he fell on the floor. They had to carry him out of the room. You see, I wasn’t the only one who made him laugh. Jeanette MacDonald made him laugh. And ‘Indian Love Call’ was a very funny song.”
Burns last performed at Caesar’s Tahoe in Nevada in June 1994. He had been booked for a host of appearances across the country, but they were canceled after he fell in his bathtub at home and suffered head injuries.
One canceled booking was Caesar’s in Las Vegas on his 100th birthday. Three nights at $100 a ticket sold out in a week - a year and a half before the date. Two more nights were added, and they sold out.
Burns misses performing, said Irving Fein, his longtime manager.
“His whole life was performing; he couldn’t wait to get out on that stage,” Fein says. “Some days, he’d be exhausted and tired. As soon as he walked on and got that standing ovation, which he did every time, and got the laugh from the first joke, he was young again.”
Every weekday morning, Burns goes to the office he has maintained for four decades. He stays about 45 minutes, takes care of minor business matters, schmoozes with his associates and heads for Hillcrest Country Club, site of the famous Comedians’ Round Table. He eats a spartan lunch and plays bridge.
Burns, who uses a wheelchair most of the time, then retires to his Beverly Hills home, takes a nap, dines and sometimes watches a little television before bedtime. Once or twice a week, he goes out to a restaurant.
He still enjoys a Bloody Mary at lunch and a few martinis at dinner.
And, of course, the cigars.
“He still smokes,” reports Hal Goldman, Burns’ gag and book writer for 17 years, “though not as many as he did before. He used to smoke 10 or 12 a day. Now, he’s down to seven or eight. He doesn’t inhale, you know.”
Goldman has observed the gradual slowdown of the comedian’s energies.
“He doesn’t talk as much,” Goldman said. “He used to be quite verbal, especially when people came into the office.
“Now he’ll say stuff, but a minimum. He seems to be conserving his energy.”
George Burns was born Nathan Birnbaum on Jan. 20, 1896, in New York City. He was one of 12 children.
He started singing at age 7 in Lower East Side saloons with neighbor boys who comprised the Peewee Quartet.
“I went into show business when I was 8 years old,” he said. “I never went to school. My teacher was Miss Oliver, and she came to my house.
“My mother knocked on my door and said, ‘Miss Oliver would like to see you.’ My mother slammed the front door and hollered up to me, ‘Miss Oliver is gone.’ I came out and Miss Oliver was still sitting there.”
He knocked around in vaudeville, mostly with failed acts, until he met Gracie Allen in 1922. They formed a sure-fire act that lasted 36 years. Gracie, who never shared her husband’s love of performing, retired in 1958 and died six years later.
“When Gracie left the act, I had to go into show business,” Burns once said. “I was retired when I worked with Gracie. All I said was, ‘How’s your brother?’ and that would start her off.”
Burns’ assessment was inaccurate. As with great straight men like Bud Abbott and Dean Martin, George was an invaluable partner. His superb timing led him to even greater heights as a solo.
He also made an impressive mark as an actor.
After a 35-year absence from the screen and a year after open-heart surgery, Burns returned in “The Sunshine Boys,” winning the 1975 Academy Award for best supporting actor. He followed that two years later with another hit, “Oh God!”
In 1988, he published the best-selling book, “Gracie: A Love Story.” And in 1991, at 85, he won his Grammy for the best spoken-word recording for excerpts from “Gracie: A Love Story.”
Films and TV specials kept him busy until his July 1994 fall. Two months later, he underwent surgery to have fluid buildup drained from his brain.
Last year he was hospitalized again because of the fall, and his Palace party was canceled.
In his late years, Burns found surefire material for his nightclub monologues: his age.
“I’m 99,” he told his audience. “I feel just as good as I did last year when I was 98. …”
“I’d go out with women my age, but there are no women my age. …”
“It’s been a great life, and I hope the second half is just as exciting.”
Burns was once asked, “Mr. Burns, is it true you go out with young girls?”
“True.”
“Is it true you drink martinis every day?”
“True.”
“Is it true you smoke 10-15 cigars a day?”
“True.”
“What does your doctor say about this?”
“He’s dead.”
George Burns has delighted us all for an unprecedented 92 years. He was the patient husband, confounded yet somehow charmed by his wife’s silliness. Later, he was totally convincing as a cranky old vaudevillian or a whimsical deity.
But his most memorable role was as George Burns, crafty and hilarious, the kind of foxy grandpa all of us wish we had.
MEMO: This sidebar appeared with the story: 100-YEAR-OLD STORY OF GEORGE BURNS Important dates in George Burns’ life: 1896 - Born in New York City on Jan. 20, ninth of 12 children. 1903 - Enters show business as a member of the Peewee Quartet. 1905 - Begins vaudeville. Tours as roller skater, singer and comedian. 1923 - Forms comedy act with Gracie Allen. 1926 - Marries Allen in Cleveland. 1929 - Burns and Allen begin making movie shorts. 1930 - Makes radio debut on BBC in London. 1931 - Appears on Rudy Vallee and Guy Lombardo radio shows. 1932 - First radio series on CBS. “The Burns and Allen Show” became one of the top-rated radio shows. 1932 - Burns and Allen appear in first feature film, “The Big Broadcast.” 1939 - Burns and Allen make last movie as a team, “Honolulu.” 1950 - “The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show” begins on television. It runs until 1958. 1954 - His McCadden Productions produces “The Bob Cummings Show,” “People’s Choice” and other TV series. 1958 - Gracie retires. 1959-60 - Stars in TV sitcom, “The George Burns Show.” 1960 - Begins touring nightclubs with such stars as Carol Channing, Bobby Darin and Ann-Margret. 1964 - Gracie dies of heart attack at age 62. 1964-65 - Stars in the TV series, “Wendy and Me,” with Connie Stevens. 1974 - Undergoes open-heart surgery. 1975 - Stars in comeback film, “The Sunshine Boys.” It wins Burns an Academy Award for best supporting actor. 1977 - Makes movie “Oh, God!” with John Denver. 1980 - Makes record, “I Wish I Was 18 Again,” and film “Oh, God! Book Two” with Suzanne Pleshette. 1984 - Makes “Oh, God! You Devil.” 1988 - Stars in movie “18 Again!”; brings out best-seller “Gracie: A Love Story.” 1991 - Celebrates 95th birthday with TV special; wins Grammy for best spoken-word recording for excerpts from “Gracie: A Love Story.” 1994 (January) - Tells audience gathered in Las Vegas for his 98th birthday bash: “It’s nice to be here. At 98, it’s nice to be anywhere.” 1994 (July) - Injured in a household fall and undergoes surgery two months later to drain fluid buildup on his brain. 1995 - Needs additional hospitalization, leads to announcement there will be no 100th birthday bash at Caesar’s. Associated Press