Mate’s Grown Kids ‘Ruining Our Marriage’

“After seven years of marriage, Richard’s children are still at the root of our daily battles - though all four are now in their 20s and, except for one, living in their own apartments,” sighs Christine, 31, an artist who also teaches at an elementary school. “You wouldn’t believe the way they intrude on our lives, mess up my home and even dump their laundry with me. They’re a bunch of freeloaders!”

Christine’s problems with her future stepchildren began when she first started dating their father, 18 years her senior. “I naively believed they would learn to love me, but all the children resent me intensely. Carla, the oldest, is especially hostile and rebellious,” fumes Christine. “I was only 25 when I married Richard and she never let me forget that I could have been her older sister.”

Most infuriating, however, is Richard’s lack of concern: He doesn’t seem troubled by the children’s behavior, never disciplines them or supports her when she tries to. “When they’re here, they leave dirty dishes on the kitchen counter or waltz into our bedroom unannounced,” she reports. “Well, I’d like to know how we’re supposed to make love if we can never tell when we’re going to be interrupted?”

Christine is tired of being all things to all people: “My mother spent her days cleaning up after everybody - I refuse to do that,” she says angrily. “I married Richard because I loved him, but I don’t want to be a servant around here.”

The only thing keeping Christine sane is Jessica, her 2-year-old daughter with Richard. “Though he resisted being a father again, Richard loves Jessie with a passion. If only that bond could spread to the rest of our marriage,” she sighs.

Richard, 49, a high school English teacher, is honestly confused. “I wish I could figure out what Christine wants from me,” he says. At first, he thought she was upset because he was reluctant to have more children. Over the years, she’s gotten nastier, more anxious and volatile. “Frankly, she’s impossible to live with these days,” he explains. “Why on earth is she so upset?”

Richard never expected Christine to be home all day doing housework, and he doesn’t know where she got the idea that he did. “I don’t share her penchant for neatness or her rigid rules for discipline,” he says. “If the kids are watching TV and messing up the living room, it doesn’t bother me. I think of it as more time to be alone with Christine.” If only his wife could see things his way, she wouldn’t be so stressed out, he adds.

Do your expectations match or clash?

“For all their closeness, Richard and Christine never learned to tell each other what was on their minds,” notes Selma Miller, a New York marriage counselor. “Instead, they assumed an understanding of how the other felt about important issues.”

It’s imperative for couples to routinely check out their own needs and expectations. Christine and Richard found the following exercise helped them focus on what their partner was really thinking instead of operating under unfounded assumptions.

On separate sheets, each writes an ending to this statement: “If you loved me, you would….”

Remember, there are no right or wrong “expectations,” but the simple act of putting them down on paper can clarify misconceptions for both of you. Here are a few to get you going:

give me a kiss and a hug when you greet me.

make me coffee in the morning.

prepare pancakes on Sunday morning.

save more money.

get to places on time.

look at me when I talk to you.

remember what I ask you to do.

support me when I discipline the children.

Next, switch lists and ask yourselves: Was I aware of my spouse’s expectations? If so, am I meeting them because I genuinely want to or because I feel guilty if I don’t?

Christine, for example, had been playing the role of superhousewife to win the hearts of her stepchildren, not because Richard had foisted that role on her. Richard was able to see how important it was for him to step in and discipline his children, since it is difficult for any stepparent to do that, especially with older children. As Christine said: “I no longer expect to have a dreamily wonderful relationship with stepkids. We coexist peacefully now; I can’t ask for more.”