We’re Marvels Of Mediocrity
Much hard work looms ahead, but if we pull together and tear down a hospital or two, Spokane can claim its rightful place as America’s Most Average City.
I always considered my birthplace the very apex of average. One need only endure a few snoozy seconds of Mayor Jack “Monotone” Geraghty at a City Council meeting to be convinced of our rampant blandness.
Yet according to the newly released Macmillan’s “Places Rated Almanac,” Spokane is only the nation’s second-most average city. How disappointing.
The ratings system devised by University of Washington psychology professor Geoff Loftus evaluated such urban features as weather, crime and health care.
Based on all this, Seattle ranked as the country’s second “most livable” location.
Who’s on first? Orange County, Calif., believe it or not. Apparently Loftus didn’t factor smog, maniacal drivers or producing the likes of Richard Nixon into his database.
Spokane, in the above livability scale, registered an underwhelming 98th. I suspect all the riffraff hanging outside the new bus station had something to do with this showing.
But when it comes to cities whose scores were closest to the humdrum 50 percent average, Spokane ranked only a quarter of percentage point behind Most Average Wichita, Kan.
This revelation came as a surprise. Bill Radke, who hosts a radio show for Seattle’s National Public Radio affiliate, called to interview me on how Spokane was bearing up under the status of second most-average.
What could I say? I told the truth.
“We’re plenty steamed, Bill,” I said, “and we’re not slipping back into our comas until we become the planet’s most mediocre metropolis.”
I meant every word. Even if the prize is sheer averageness, who wants to lose out to a jerkwater cow town like Wichita?
I’ve never been to the podunk burg, but when I was younger I played music all over that insufferable cornchallenged state. I nearly drowned during something the grinning hayseed locals referred to as “a little cloudburst.”
So I dialed Professor Loftus demanding answers.
“I’m sorry you came in No. 2,” he told me. “But there were 351 cities so you shouldn’t feel too put out.”
Spare us the condolences, you tweedy troublemaker. Spokanites may be remarkably unremarkable, but we still have a pittance of pride.
I pumped Loftus for what changes Spokane needs to make in order to rise to the, um, middle:
WEATHER: Leave it be. We got in a lather over the recent ice storm, but compared to the rest of the nation our weather is as average as it gets - 49.98 percent.
CRIME: A little more would help. Our score of 54 percent, means we’re slightly too law-abiding. Importing a few more gang bangers should do it. Or, as Loftus suggested, we can always build another bus station.
EDUCATION: Our 65 percent is definitely too high. We need to dumb down and dumb down right now. Bring back Councilman Chris Anderson.
JOBS: Spokane’s employment picture scored a grim 44 percent, which isn’t pretty but it’s still close to the magic 50 percent milestone.
ARTS: Too high at 62 percent. This rating, however, was made before the city fired its arts director for padding her resume.
TRANSPORTATION: More bad news at 66 percent. Here’s a plan: Make the bus drivers switch jobs with educators. That should lower both categories.
RECREATION: Way below average at a dismal 38 percent. To help, Loftus offered us the Mariners and Seahawks since Seattle’s losing them anyway.
HEALTH CARE: Alarmingly above average at 77 percent. We must immediately tear down Sacred Heart and Deaconess medical centers.
That unfortunately still leaves us with too many doctors. There’s only one thing to do: Round ‘em up and send them packing on the next bus to Wichita.
, DataTimes