You Will Have To Spell This Out

Dear Miss Manners: I work with a fellow female who is very friendly, helpful, cheerful and nice. She does know my name and has called me by it on a few occasions - three or four times.

However, she always refers to me as “Dude”: “You’re cool, Dude,” “Thanks, Dude,” “Have a good weekend, Dude.”

I’m not sure why she does this, but I don’t like it. I don’t feel I’ve done anything to let her have permission to use these slang words, nor do I usually use that type of vocabulary.

Every time I see her, talk to her, pass her in the hall, I always use her first name. I try to use everyone’s name when I talk to them. As a result, I expect to hear them use my name, too. Do I have the right to ask her to use my first name or not?

Gentle Reader: Of course you do. You have the right to say, “I wonder if you would mind calling me Megan? I would much prefer it to Dude. I hope you don’t mind my calling you Ollie - I hope you know how much I like you.”

You do not have the right to say, “Dude? Do I look like Dude to you? Don’t answer that! And don’t take out your inability to speak on me. I am a person. I have a name.” But Miss Manners understands the temptation.

Dear Miss Manners: I am having a fight with my grandfather. He says I should cut my french fries and eat them with a fork. I have asked around and they said I should eat french fries with my fingers. Please help me settle this fight.

Gentle Reader: Offer him a compromise. Tell your grandfather that you will eat french fries with a fork in the house or at nice restaurants, if he happens to take you to any, provided he agrees that you may eat them with your fingers in food courts, fast food places, picnics and drive-ins.

Miss Manners has not had to compromise her own principles by suggesting this. French fries, like chickens, expect to be treated differently in different settings.

Dear Miss Manners: I am in trouble!

My only son, a successful scientist-engineer, 50 years old, is now ignoring me. He has a “new” girlfriend, and a year and a half ago he called me, asking me if he could bring his new “friend” to visit.

This woman, a successful businesswoman, came and searched my house, opening drawers and insisting on taking lots of unwanted photographs, and did it again on a second visit.

I asked my son to come and visit alone, and he did it once. But since he’s been distant. I never had to cope with such a person. She seems to control my son so well. She answers his phone, collects his mail. They share a house and she goes everywhere with him.

When I asked him how serious it was, his answer was “It is convenient.” Any good suggestions?

Gentle Reader: Good, but difficult, Miss Manners is sorry to say. Nearly impossible, but worth the effort.

There is a point at which it is no longer productive for a parent to oppose a child’s romantic choice. When that point is depends on many factors, including age, degree of family intimacy, and the nature of the romantic bond.

But there is no question that a 50-year-old who has set up housekeeping with someone has passed this point.

As we both know, parents know best. But as Miss Manners knows, the child who does not accept a parent’s judgment on the choice of a mate does not come gratefully running back if things go wrong, saying, “I wish I’d listened to you.”

The supportive parent therefore has to stifle misgivings even to the extent of being gracious to the partner. Miss Manners is afraid you will have to invite the couple again, (with the extra precaution of locking up anything private). At worst, you will still see your son. At best, you will not have made it impossible for him to admit to you later that he made a poor choice.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate