Cheap Seats
Facing the firing squad
Catcher Joel Smith thought his career as a replacement player for the Angels might come to a violent end - and not at the hands of vengeful strikers - when he was told to catch off a pitching machine. Blindfolded.
Coach Bill Lachemann tied a towel around Smith’s head and told him to get the feel of throwing without looking. “OK,” said Lachemann. “Now catch a few.”
“Off the machine?” Smith shrieked.
With Smith still blindfolded, coaches quietly aimed the pitching machine straight up. The machine zinged a ball high in the air. Smith flinched, and Lachemann lobbed a ball into Smith’s glove from a few feet away.
“We did that last year to a kid we were converting into a catcher,” said Angels coach John McNamara, “and he was dumb enough to think he was really catching that ball blindfolded off the machine.”
If you can’t say something nice …
… you can’t be on TV. So ESPN analysts said only good things about the picks in the NFL expansion draft.
When Carolina chose Patriots cornerback Rod Smith first, ESPN showed video of him getting beat by Carl Pickens and Andre Reed.
“He doesn’t get beat real bad,” scrambled ESPN’s Joe Theismann, “although he does wind up giving up a touchdown.”
When the Panthers made 49ers tackle Harry Boatswain their second pick, ESPN didn’t even bother to show video - probably because Boatswain was the reason Steve Young was running for his life early in the season.
But Bill Walsh, another ESPN apologist, had the positive angle: “He’s got a Super Bowl ring and he brings that to the locker room. It means something.”
It means it’ll probably be stolen out of his locker, Bill.
Have her rubbed out
The electronic scoreboard at Millwall, the south London soccer club, displayed a peculiar message recently: “Ex-wives disposed of without a trace.”
Not to worry. It was an ad for a local tattoo parlor.
In the eye of the beholder
Cavs forward Tyrone Hill doesn’t consider himself an NBA All-Star, even after appearing in the midseason extravaganza. “I don’t think I’m that good,” he said. “Maybe the coaches see something I don’t see.”
It’s what the coaches don’t see: Derrick Coleman.
He’d like to thank all the little people
So, Moe Norman, how does it feel to be named to the Canadian Golf Hall of Fame? “Lousy,” groused Norman, 65, a winner of several Canadian championships. “It’s not a thrill at all. Why now and not 20 years ago when I deserved it?” Oh, and Moe - any kind words for the people at Titleist, who have agreed to pay you $5,000 a month for the rest of your life? “I played the ball and wore the visor all my life and never got a dime,” he said. “I guess they’re just trying to pay me back.”
With Moes like this, who needs Larry and Curly?
The last word …
“It looks like the season is going to start with replacement players. Boy, how weird is that? Imagine seeing Clinton toss out the first ball on opening day, and he’s the starting pitcher.”
- Jay Leno