Great Qbs Of ‘83 Have Had Glory, But Nothing Else

Time and circumstance bind together Dan Marino, John Elway and Jim Kelly. Each was drafted as part of that terrific 1983 quarterback class. Each is headed for the Hall of Fame. Each has played his entire NFL career with one team: At Miami, Marino’s record as a starter is 114-67; at Denver, Elway’s mark is 112-72-1; at Buffalo, Kelly is 91-54.

Unfortunately, one other statistic joins them: Coming into this year, Marino, Elway and Kelly have played a combined 33 NFL seasons with exactly zero NFL titles.

This is gridiron injustice of a magnitude not seen since “Knute Rockne - All-American” was denied an Academy Award nomination for best picture in 1940.

Folks, if you have any type of heart - and, at this time of year, matters of the heart even tug at The Man - you have to be rooting for one of these great veterans to get that Super Bowl ring before the long arm of Father Time reaches 00:00. (Note: They’re not dying, they just might be retiring pretty darn soon.)

Since ‘83, such lesser lights - scratch that - such bums as Jim Plunkett, Jim McMahon, Phil Simms, Doug Williams, Jeff Hostetler and Mark Rypien have won Super Bowls. (Note: I use the word “bums” loosely; nothing personal.)

Meanwhile, Marino’s gotten to the Super Bowl once, Elway three times and Kelly four times without winning.

We believe - and when I say “we,” I speak for all of us who worship at the Temple of Tagliabue each Sunday - that it is time for one of these wonderful and classy leaders to get his just desserts. If not, Neil O’Donnell’s fine by me, too.

That ends the uplifting portion of this column.

We now return to our regularly scheduled caustic, scathing commentary…

Instant replay solution

Why not attach cameras directly onto officials? Cut out the middle man, so to speak.

Who says The Man doesn’t learn

This week, I avoided a long line at the bank with a perfectly executed “swim move.”

As always, the following picks against the point spread - including our special, expanded “Why We Hate The Oakland Raiders And The Women Who Love Them” section - are for recreational purposes only:

Steelers at Raiders (-1-1/2)

Effective Sunday, all Raiders games to be officiated by riot squad. Raiders’ James Trapp is a personal foul. … Aside to Raiders fans: It is considered in bad taste to throw up on someone else’s lap. … Bay Area Stadium Update: Candlestick Park now known as 3Com Park; Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum now known as Attica. … Sure, QB Vince Evans could use an alarm clock, but he doesn’t want to give up his sun dial. Pick: Steelers.

Redskins at Giants (-3-1/2)

Actual Fact I: Since December 1994, Redskins coach Norv Turner is 0-3 against Tampa Bay and 2-0 against Dallas. Actual Fact II: As Giants coach, Dan Reeves is 5-0 against Redskins and 19-21 against rest of league. Pick: Redskins.

Packers (-6-1/2) at Buccaneers

If I recall correctly, in “2001: A Space Odyssey,” there is a foulup on the mission to Jupiter that’s directly linked to a control-tower decision by Sam Wyche. … Tampa Bay: Today, 6-7. Tomorrow, 6-10. Pick: Packers.

Saints at Falcons (-5-1/2)

Once a year, The Man provides the EXACT FINAL SCORE of a game beforehand. (This should not be attempted at home, unless you were a member of the 1919 Black Sox.) Here it is: New Orleans 27, Atlanta 25. Pick: Saints. Cowboys (-9) at Eagles

You know, I took another look at the Zapruder film the other day and, just off the parade route, I saw Bill Bates in a Cowboys uniform. Pick: Eagles.

Chiefs at Dolphins (-2)

Here’s a positive thought: When Dolphins LB Bryan Cox talks in his sleep, he’s never bleeped. … Chiefs K Lin Elliott to be given cigarette and blindfold before all extra points. Pick: Dolphins.

49ers (-15) at Panthers

Last month, Carolina won at San Francisco 13-7. Team sources indicate if 49ers lose to Panthers again, the franchise will be disbanded. Pick: 49ers.

Lions (-3) at Oilers

If you happen to bump into Lions DE Robert Porcher on the street, chances are he was offsides. … Let’s see Air McNair!!! Pick: Oilers.

Browns at Vikings (-9)

Relocation tidbit: Art Modell’s decision to move means he loses his $100 damage deposit at Cleveland Stadium. Pick: Browns.

Bills (-2) at Rams

Based on box-office success of “Toy Story,” all Rams offensive films will feature computer-generated animation. Pick: Bills.

Cardinals at Chargers (-8-1/2)

I’m thinking of watching this with the sound down while chatting with my neighbor Chip. Pick: Chargers.

Seahawks at Broncos (-7-1/2)

Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead: Figure out playoff tiebreakers. Pick: Seahawks.

Jets at Patriots (-7-1/2)

Having tried everything else, Jets coach Rich Kotite may resort to “no opponent.” Pick: Jets.

Bears (-2) at Bengals

Bears’ pass defense to be featured on “Unsolved Mysteries.” Pick: Bears.

Colts (-3-1/2) at Jaguars

Rome was not built in a day. Jacksonville, from what I can tell, was. Pick: Colts.

Last week: 9-5. Season record: 93-92-7.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Norman Chad Syndicated Columnist