The bike commute didn't happen today, with much sadness.

I was fully prepared to lace up my low cut Dr. Martens athletic shoes, strap on the blue helmet that makes me look like the comedic relief in a Judd Apatow movie, hop onto my too-tall skinny road bike and head off to work we go tra la la la la, but I found a fatal flaw in bicycle commuting that I'll need to account for in the future:

It's slow.

And that, by golly, is undoubtedly the #1 reason people drive their internal combustion engines everywhere.

If you're late waking up, if you have a housemate who is a turned-to-Jesus former skinhead/former special forces sniper who likes to ramble on and on first thing in the morning before you've had your first cup of coffee and you have to show some respect because seriously the dude is dying from cancer (what, this doesn't happen to everyone?), or if you're just having a bad morning, then hopping into your 2005 Pontiak Aztek to be only 5 minutes late to work seems like a much better proposition than being 35 minutes late to work.

Yeah, a 2005 Pontiak Aztek. I'd rather make it to work in time in a car so ugly that it deserves a giant paper bag over its head than experience the freedom and joy of being being late by bike.

Let's break it down:

Cars burn obnoxious petroleums that are incredibly harmful to essentially everything and are really stinky. They require automobile insurance and license plates fees and oil changes every 5000 miles and tune-ups and car washes and a hundred different other things that cost thousands of dollars a year. Worst of all, you sit on your buttocks, always and forever, getting plushier in the midsection and not gaining a shred of self respect as you roll through the nearest fast food drive-through.

My ugly, ugly car gets me to work in 15-20 minutes.

A bicycle burns calories, doesn't require you to fill up at the local gas station weekly for $30-$60 a pop, doesn't require any insurance or fees. Does require minor routine maintenance, but chain lube is like $5 and lasts forever and you'll occasionally need a new inner tube. I don't think I've ever seen anyone pull up to a McD's window on their ten-speed.

My sleek, beautiful blue Kabuki gets me to work in 45 minutes.

 

The lesson I learned is that to successfully commute to work, you have to be prepared. Physically, you need to be prepared. Awake, with sufficient time to be timely. Our bodies are incredibly adaptive to physical work, but we also need to be mentally, emotionally, and economically prepared to ride. It's the right thing to do, but you can't do it unless you've made up your mind to be prepared.

Monday, I'll make it up to myself.

EDIT

My fiancée thought that this was humorous:

Thanks, Facebook.

---

---