10 reasons kids never ask me to buy a bottle of Boone’s Farm wine for them

1. I do not project a look that makes me seem receptive to such entreaties

2. Boone’s Farm? Uh, excuse me. This is 2017.

3. They suspect I would snort and say, “Yeah, sure, McLovin.”

4. They fear I would first want to regale them with a “Why, when I was your age…” story. (Actually, when I was their age the legal age for purchasing alcohol was 18 where I lived, which meant just about anyone could obtain spirits if you knew where to go.)

5. They see me and assume “That guy was never young once.”

6. They somehow know I would first require them to sign a bunch of waivers.

7. They suspect I will say “If you can’t go with a nice pinot, don’t even talk to me.”

8. They suspect I will say, “Boone’s Farm will not make girls like you.”

9. I tend to be a homebody and seldom go to the store at night.

10. I look like a guy who knows what they are thinking about my granddaughter and so they think better of it and don’t utter a word.