Earth Day is coming. So let's rank the planets.

9. Uranus. (Impossible to get a decent thin-crust pizza.)

8. Neptune. (No dogs allowed.)

7. Mercury. (I don't care if it is a dry heat.)

6. Saturn. (The spokesmodel of the solar system.)

5. Jupiter. (Rumors about steroids.)

4. Venus. (I got your global warming right here.)

3. Pluto. (Photographs well. And yes, I still consider it a planet.)

2. Mars. (Matt Damon's second home.)

1. Earth. (Tigers and orcas live here.)

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