As you may know, I am here in Kurdistan tutoring my friend's children. On Saturday, one of the other girls in my students' class was killed.
She was playing in her front yard and, from what I understand, ran out into the road just as a Land Cruiser came around the corner. The driver didn't have enough time to stop (yes, people do die of freak accidents in Iraq, not simply bombs and bullets).
The children came home from school yesterday having just been notified of their friend's passing. Children being children, they were sad but rebounded quickly- thank god for short attention spans. The parents were more affected, I think in part because they felt horrible for the girl's mother, and in part because they realized that could easily have been their own children. These are common feelings when someone else suffers a tragedy, though that doesn't help to dull the pain.
In accordance with the Muslim tradition that requires burial as quickly as possible, the girl was buried the same day she died. Continuing with tradition, for the first seven days after her death (this week), everyone is visiting the house of the bereaved to give their condolences (the Muslim version of a wake).
Tonight was the night that my friend went to visit the girl's mother. Her girls wanted to go with her, and a discussion ensued regarding the appropriateness of this. Should they go? Do they understand what tonight is about? Being in second grade they probably think this is yet another social event, a party where they can see and play with their friends. There is small likelihood they understand the gravity of the situation.
We tried explaining that it wasn't a party, that everyone there would be very sad and many people would be crying. The children would not be deterred- they were determined to go.
After the parents had an opportunity to confer in private, the girls were allowed to go based on the rationale that this is life. This is an opportunity for them to learn about the realities of life.
At first, I disagreed with letting the girls go. I thought that it would be too much for them, they would be overwhelmed, and that they wouldn't be able to handle the situation once they understood what was actually happening. I was going for a 'head in the sand' protection motif.
But after hearing their argument, I have to say I've changed my mind. Parents try to shield children from the worst reality has to throw at us. This reaction is normal, expected even. But is this really the best medicine? By shielding children from reality, are we doing them any favors? By hiding a natural part of life from children are we, in fact, protecting them? Do they believe us when we tell them things are dangerous when we never let them see the consequences of those actions, regardless of how terrible those consequences are?
The girls came back form the wake seemingly unscathed. I know it affected them, but they seem to be taking it in stride. And tomorrow they are going to visit the grave to leave cards and flowers for their friend. Though the immediate future will be difficult for them and they undoubtedly will have lots of questions about their friend's death, by taking these steps they have started on their way to closure. Isn't this what we prescribe to adults who have lost someone? Why should we expect children to cope any differently?
In a country where the last two generations have lived with death on a constant basis, it is not surprising that the younger generation be expected to learn what their parents and grandparents were forced to experience. Perhaps it is the best course of action to take advantage of terrible situations like these and use them as learning opportunities. Death is part of life. Unpleasant, yes, but there nonetheless. Shielding our children from reality might not actually be protecting them at all. Children have their own worlds of make believe- is this idea one for the adults?
Maybe we can take a lesson from this misfortune and consider allowing our children to see, experience and learn from all aspects of life, even the tragic.

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