This is the end, the last three-pronged stab into a party bowl of zodiac car treats. Buckle yourselves into the carstrology highchair then. Sprinkle on some cardust and dig in quick; the Libra's getting soggy. 

LIBRA
(September 23-October 22)

Custom Van

As children, Librans fantasize about finding the Prince or Princess of their dreams. It’s a primal search that becomes all too literal when they hit driving age. Love sick and ensconced in shag, Libras lure fewer reputable people into the bellies of their Custom Vans than hitchhikers and prostitutes, neither of which has much to offer in the way of lasting companionship.

What may seem like a miscalculated vehicle choice to some is all part of the Libra’s master plan. Librans are aces at escaping from reality into obscure role playing, during which times there’s a lot more going on in the deep innermost levels of their psyche than other signs might expect. 

They completely understand Custom Vans lost their grimy 70’s sex appeal long before The A-Team was canceled and now will only repel most quality mates. 

Here lies the rub. Librans aren’t looking for anything short of a carpool partner for the ages. Custom Vans are people filters, the perfect ride to sieve out those who would be quick to judge what can be seen through the murky plastic bubble window. 

Alas, it’s a sad fact that in many cases Librans would have fared much better had they simply remained on their own. To their credit, sometimes a Libra does manage to find a true van-mate. When they do, their ecstasy is the stuff of 8-track fairy tales. 

VIRGO
(August 23-September 22)

1986 Dodge Diplomat 

Whether part of the force or not, Virgo’s are endowed with a cop’s mentality. Most will manage to fenegale a used cop car for personal use at some point during their lives, or build something close to one. 

Consequently, in a chicken before the egg conundrum, Astrologers often give Virgos a bad wrap and write them up as being fussy and narrow-minded. This may be due to animosity created before or after Virgos repeatedly attempted to write Astrologers up for getting high in their ’86 Honda Accords.

“Can I see your badge?”

“Why don’t you take another hit off your Gandalf bong, wizard-hippie”. 

Like any other cop, a Virgo’s life pursuit is to do the right thing, but their secret desire is to love and be loved in return. They’re just looking for respect, but in place of legal authority Virgo's have a matte-black ’86 Dodge Diplomat with primer-white midsection, aftermarket ram bar and a row of Christmas lights fashioned to a 2x4 atop the roof. 

Virgos can often become victims of relationship power-games where they are mistreated. This isn’t to say they’re deplorable characters. When Virgos shine, there’s nearly no sign that can match their inner light. When not impersonating police officers in their Dodge Diplomats, they can be found in the “service to others” industries, ranging from welfare work, to doctors, school-teachers and the like. 

For those who were turned down by the police academy, proceed with caution: Like their authoritative alter egos, they can be delicate people who require special treatment to please. 

SCORPIO
(October 23-November 21)

1977 GMC Sierra Crew Cab (First $500 takes it)

Lovingly named the “Wonder Truck”, this dilapidated old gent sits melting outside of old man Drake’s house. Mr. Drake is a Scorpio, believed to be the “most powerful” and wisest sign. He understands that even though the Wonder Truck leaks oil, smokes during the summer, grows a covering of moss during the colder months and resembles a crumpled tallboy can of Budweiser year round, it will most likely outlive the world’s oil supply with periodic $200 repairs.

Mrs. Drake is not a Scorpio. Before her husband left on a trip to see his brother in Kennewick, there was not a For Sale sign in the Wonder Truck’s windshield. Scorpios have intense and dramatic personal relationships. 

By the time Mr. Drake returns home from his trip, the Wonder Truck will be sold or donated to the charity crusher for a tax deduction. He won’t be bothered. A Scorpio’s biggest challenge and test in life is choosing between the power of love and the love of power. As the sign of the “oldest souls,” Mr. Drake has been around long enough to know Wonder Trucks come and go, but his wonderful spouse is here to stay. 

As evidenced by Mr. Drake’s new 1967 M715 Kaiser Jeep, bought for a tidy $3,500.

In Kennewick. 

*And there you have it: Twelve months, twelve zodiac signs and a car assigned to each. There are no refunds for these bejeweled revelations, any further explanations or rhymes. For tarot car readings, crystal ball diagnostics on pre-owned vehicles and amateur tattoo artistry leave a comment below or look for the 1991 Dodge Dynasty parked in your local grocery store parking lot. The one with the “Space Gypsy” bumper sticker. 

Sources: 

www.psychicguild.com 

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