Miss Manners: Woman dares wear skirt on golf course

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We live in a 55-plus community on a golf course. One woman, who is very heavy, always wears a knee-high or above-the-knee skirt when golfing. She is actually the only woman here who does.

When it comes time for her to pick up or put down her ball, all the men look away and the other women say nothing. It’s hard to watch. I myself do not golf, but I enjoy watching from my back porch. My husband, who does play, has a hard time if he gets put on her team for the day.

What could be said kindly to her that will make her realize that many residents and golfers do not have a warm fuzzy feeling when she golfs? I’m not wanting to hurt her feelings, but it just won’t stop. I really thought her husband would get her some pants as a present.

GENTLE READER: If Miss Manners understands you correctly, your neighbor is not dressed indecently; certain people are simply uncomfortable when she golfs because of her weight/appearance? Manners are not going to be able to help you, and morals would have less kind words for you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When is it OK to give out advice about personal appearance?

I have a single friend who is looking for a mate. Her personal grooming, hairstyle and clothing are very outdated and shabby. She’s quite intellectual, but apparently oblivious or indifferent about her appearance. I don’t think she’s considered updating either her wardrobe or hairstyle since college, well over 15 years ago.

Is there a way to be helpful without losing her as a friend?

GENTLE READER: The right time to give such advice is when your friend requests it, and the way to give it without losing her as a friend is tactfully. Miss Manners does not mean to minimize the effort this will require after holding your tongue for the past 15 years.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How would you advise “managing” dinner table conversations? At a table for eight to 10, I’ve found three to four conversations going on simultaneously, with cross talk creating a wall of sound. It’s rare if a single person can speak uninterrupted, even if he has enough self-awareness to be brief.

What could have been a pleasant exchange of ideas and information becomes an annoying and frustrating experience. This is, of course, irrespective of the subject matter, and only gets much worse with the usual no-nos (religion, politics, etc.).

GENTLE READER: A successful dinner party, Miss Manners would have thought, is one at which the guests enjoy themselves, possibly without doing permanent damage to the property or neighbors. She mentions this only to make the point that any management is presumably in furtherance of achieving this end.

She does not therefore understand the need to prevent multiple conversations, only to make sure that no one is excluded, which can be accomplished by the host drawing such individuals in.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com.