Miss Manners: Elevator etiquette: Just don’t be in the way

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know this may sound like a silly question, but what exactly is the proper etiquette for getting on and off an elevator? Is there even a proper way?

It seems that when people wait right by the door, it makes for an awkward moment when the doors open. But I, too, am guilty of waiting right at the door.

GENTLE READER: Rather than telling you to back off from the entrance, or to exit according to age, gender or any other factor you can discern instantly among your fellow passengers, Miss Manners has a guiding principle:

Do not create logjams.

Therefore, do not block the entrance to the elevator car so that people getting out will have to walk around you. Once inside, do not stand in the front if others are boarding. If you are not getting off at a particular floor, do not stand in the way of those who are.

The principle even overrides conventionally polite gestures. For example, while it would be charming to let an older person exit first, do not do so if your action would block others from exiting.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What exactly is a “pocketbook”? I always thought it was a lady’s wallet, but does it instead refer to the entire purse/handbag?

GENTLE READER: Yes, it means the reticule – another term you probably don’t know.

But as “pocketbook” has also been used to refer to pocket-sized books (and a slang meaning that Miss Manners will not repeat), it has pretty much fallen out of use in its original sense.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Most of my extensive family members live a few states away from mine. One relative in particular has a beautiful, large home and wonderful hosting skills. They always insist we stay with them when we are in town, and we love to do so – especially since we are able to spend all of our time with family instead of in a hotel room. We are always treated wonderfully when we are there.

My problem is that I don’t know how to repay them. I’ve occasionally convinced them to allow me to take them out to dinner, and I’ve sent tokens of appreciation, but it never feels like enough to me.

It’s not possible for us to make anything to bring, as we travel by air. Is it rude to bring gift cards for a local store that they frequent? Do you have any other ideas?

GENTLE READER: Taking them out, offering your help, not being a nuisance, sending presents – and, of course, reciprocating when possible – are all good ways of thanking hosts.

But there is an enormously effective, nearly cost-free way to do this – a way that many people, including you, tend to overlook or dismiss: Write them a letter about what these visits mean to you. Not just a letter of thanks for each stay, but a general summation of how much pleasure they give you, how much you admire them, and how they have enhanced your lives.

In other words, the kind of things you would say about them if they had just died. Instead, you will be giving them the pleasure of knowing how much you value them.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website www.missmanners.com.