Miss Manners: Departing guests won’t mind if you lock your door

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have always locked the front door after a guest or delivery person has left my home. My husband says this is rude, as it implies I am either happy someone is gone or afraid a stranger will be dangerous.

Is it rude to lock my front door after showing someone out of it? If my husband is home, is locking it unnecessary since I’m not alone? If I’m alone in my home when seeing people out, is it not considered rude, but rather a smart safety measure?

I would appreciate your insight, as I am not doing it to send a message of rudeness but rather out of my own fear of having an unlocked door.

GENTLE READER: Do you mind asking your husband to run through his vision of the effect of locking the door on those departing? Miss Manners is glad to hear that he is thinking of others, but she is puzzled.

Does the guest who is retiring after a pleasant visit hear the click of the lock and conclude that going back in and asking for another drink would be unwelcome? Does the delivery person slink off to the next delivery with hurt feelings?

Your husband is offering a solution to a nonexistent problem. Miss Manners suggests that he redirect his compassion to your feelings and your safety.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I think your advice to always include “please” in a social request fails to recognize that some people fear the word might be interpreted to mean that the requester believes the request would be denied or ignored without the “please.” So using it would be an insult to someone who likes to be seen as always helpful.

I suspect this apprehension is common, and results from children being denied requests until they say “please” to an instructing adult, thus coming to feel that “please” is a coercive word used to force action.

GENTLE READER: And don’t forget the argument that “please” is insulting to the person asking, because it sounds like begging. That line is often used by people eager to drop the few daily courtesies that remain.

But without the addition of “please,” a request becomes an order: “Do this,” “Give me that,” “Stop what you are doing” or “Go fetch!” Miss Manners can tell you that those good people you mention, the ones who pride themselves on being helpful, act out of the goodness of their hearts – and would not be so eager to assist people who try to order them around.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why are we always looking for polite ways to address someone else’s impoliteness? Why must we feel guilty about offending the offender? Why do we walk on eggshells and agonize over how to approach a person who is completely out of line? After all, it is not my fault that the person behaved like a total jerk.

GENTLE READER: And you admire that person so much that you want to act the same way?