Paul Turner: Tips to outwit holiday package thieves

So here’s my better-late-than-never report on how to keep thieves from stealing packages from your front porch.

I’ll present this in step-by-step fashion.

Retire, so you can stay home and devote unlimited hours to keeping an eye on the porch.

Abandon any notion that people in Spokane would not steal from you. (Put away that bottle of whatever it was you were drinking when you first entertained the naïve thought that everyone around here is of good cheer.)

Alert the front-yard squirrels to go to DEFCON 3 the instant they see someone not wearing a delivery service uniform approaching the house.

Because some delivery people inexplicably do not ring the doorbell, institute a system of randomly opening the door and checking the front porch. Once approximately every 10 minutes is about right if your household gets a lot of packages.

Read online neighborhood-watch posts to maintain your level of justified paranoia.

Restrict marijuana use. Mellowness is not your friend in this context.

Integrate video surveillance technology and concertina wire in your outdoor holiday lights.

Place the heads of would-be package thieves on tall pikes near the porch. (Also serves as a sure-fire conversation starter for those arriving for your holiday party.)

Do not leave home between 5 a.m. and 10 p.m.

Begin referring to your home as “Stately (Your last name here) Manor.” Would miscreants try to steal packages from your porch if they think you are Spokane’s version of Batman?

All skate

It has been years since I conducted a personal tour of Spokane area backyard rinks.

I still admire the headline we put on one such features section story: “Home Ice.”

But now that it is officially winter, I am mulling putting out the call to local rink builders once again. So if the weather cooperates and you get your rink in shape, let me know.

I remember meeting this large orange cat out in Spokane Valley who lived with a really nice family that had a small backyard rink. The pet’s name was Tuffy.

I think Tuffy feared the gentleman from the press (that would be me) was not being sufficiently wowed. So he went away and then returned a few minutes later with a robin in his mouth.

If cats could talk, I think he might have said, “Here Chief, put this in your paper.”

Past as prologue

It’s just a theory.

But I’ve believed this for quite some time.

How you feel about living in the Spokane area is determined to a large extent by the sort of Christmases you have experienced here.

If you have searing memories of your father being drunk and abusive on Dec. 25, that’s apt to stick with you. And letting some of the blame spill over onto Spokane would be certain to color your attitude about the Lilac City.

But if much of what you recall about your Christmases here involves happy family scenes, well, Spokane will always have a special place in your heart. Even if aspects of life here drive you up the wall.

OK, that might sound obvious. You know, people who grew up in stable, supportive families tend to be more positive about their surroundings. Et cetera.

That’s not always true though. Besides, I think we need to regard Christmas as its own special category of memories. Even if considering it in isolation might not be altogether logical.

Hopes and expectations attached to the holiday can be so outlandishly high-voltage that they have a power rivaled by few if any moods connected to the calendar.

Happy Christmases resonate through the years and predispose you to think kindly of the place where they happened.

Now life is not simple, of course. It’s not one-size-fits-all.

Some of those who grew up in bleak, dreary circumstances make it their mission to change that picture as soon as they are able. Some succeed. They don’t blame Spokane for parents or guardians who couldn’t begin to take care of themselves, let alone a family.

Some who had great Christmases here can’t wait to leave. So it’s not a hard and fast rule.

Moreover, not everyone now in Spokane experienced their childhoods here. Still, the first few Christmases spent here can help shape even an adult transplant’s attitude about our evolving, sometimes confounding city.

At least that’s my theory.

I suppose it’s possible to have had nothing but disappointing Christmases here and still think fondly of Spokane. But I doubt it.