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Front Porch: Finding a new swimsuit fast is no easy task
I had such a moment last week as I struggled to survive near-strangulation. My life didn’t flash before my eyes because all I could think about was how I didn’t want to spend my final moments in a department store fitting room.
Let me tell you, it’s extremely difficult to get the halter top of a two-piece bathing suit on backward, but it’s darn near impossible to remove it without risk of strangulation.
More on that in a minute.
This story actually began last summer in a hotel swimming pool in Houston. My husband and I were enjoying a leisurely swim after a long day of sightseeing with our four sons. I swam to the ladder to exit the pool when my husband gave a low whistle.
I think it’s sweet that after 30 years he still finds me attractive. I grinned over my shoulder at him.
That’s when I saw he was frantically beckoning me. “Your suit!” he whispered. “I can see right through it!”
I rolled my eyes, thinking he was still flirting.
“No!” he insisted. “It’s totally transparent. We have a full moon situation!”
Apparently, the lining of my swimsuit had dissolved at some point, leaving a thin layer of see-through fabric and nothing to the imagination. Derek followed me closely out of the pool and I grabbed a towel. Who wants to end their vacation on a public indecency charge?
I left the suit in the hotel garbage can and thought no more about it until I got an email last week confirming our travel plans. Our 30th wedding anniversary is approaching and we’re spending it in Hawaii, which means I need a new bathing suit ASAP.
I’ve never met a woman who enjoys swimsuit shopping, but unless you vacation exclusively at nude beaches, purchasing a suit is a necessary evil.
An unnecessary evil is this year’s crop of swimwear. Two-piece suits are trending and are about as awful as I expected them to be. As I worked up a sweat struggling to remove the backward halter top, I prayed I wouldn’t have to call for help.
Tankinis and matching swim shorts are popular this year. I thought a tankini was a really big martini, but no, it’s a full-coverage swimsuit top. The bottom half of many of these suits features ruffles on the shorts.
Seriously? I haven’t worn ruffled panties since I was a toddler and I have no plans to revisit those days.
When I scoured the store for attractive and age-appropriate, one-piece suits, I found a lot of skirted suits. I have one of those at home. They look nice and are great for lounging around poolside, but for actual swimming? Not so much.
Once in the water, the skirt floats up and billows around you like a manta ray, and when you emerge from the water, it sucks against your legs like a second skin.
No thanks.
My 84-year-old mom tried to help. She gave me her swimsuit purchased more than 20 years ago for her last trip to Hawaii. It’s actually not bad. It’s my size and fits well, but the bra of the suit is conical. While I’m sure the foam-padded cones would provide extra buoyancy, I don’t relish looking like a 1990s-era Madonna.
However, when I finally staggered from the fitting room, I decided I’d rather be conical than comical.
As I headed to the escalator, I spotted an old friend. She knows how much I loathe shopping and listened to my tale of woe.
“You need a Miraclesuit!” she said.
I agreed the situation was dire enough to warrant divine intervention.
“No,” she explained. “Miraclesuit is a brand of swimwear. I buy all mine online!”
She whipped out her phone and showed me a website with some lovely suits. Her phone glowed as if bathed in a heavenly halo of light.
So, I took the plunge. I ordered a bathing suit from the comfort of my desk chair. I’ll be able to try it on in the privacy of my home, and if I accidentally put it on backward, I’ll have Derek there to assist. My Miraclesuit is due to arrive any day.
I just hope it lives up to the hype because, at this point, finding an attractive swimsuit that fits before we leave really is going take a miracle.
Contact Cindy Hval at dchval@juno.com. She is the author of “War Bonds: Love Stories From the Greatest Generation.” Her previous columns are available online at spokesman.com/ columnists. Follow her on Twitter at @CindyHval.